My Feelings Are Not My Faith

My church has started putting what they call a "Food 4 Thought" in our Sunday bulletin.  They are typically quotes by Christians, or just other things to get us thinking, and this is one we had awhile back, when we were still meeting in person.

"My feelings are important for many things.  They are essential and valuable.  They keep me aware of much that is true and real.  But they tell me next to nothing about God or my relationship to God.  My security comes from who God is, not from how I feel.  Discipleship is a decision to live by what I know about God, not by what I feel about him or my neighbors." — Eugene H. Peterson

As someone who struggles with my self worth, and fears of abandonment, a lot of the time my feelings are liars.  I have great gut instincts, but I also have anxiety.  As such, when my aunt told me to follow my gut about something earlier, my response was, "I have anxiety, my gut is literally always telling me to abort mission."  I've still not decided what to do in that situation, either.
I grew up in a church that made me feel like my existence was wrong.  Not that I was necessarily doing anything wrong, but that by just existing, I was wrong.  I grew up in shame.  I grew up fearful that God was a father like my earthly father...someone who really didn't want me.
As I got older, it started to weigh on me that God was not a God that I could ever please.  I felt like everything I did was going to upset him.  I felt confused, and unsure of what he even wanted from me.
Between the legalistic strictness of the church I grew up in, my own fears and the way I was treated at the Christian school I attended, God became a big, angry, unloving being.  I could never please him.  He would never truly love me, because I was always screwing up.
And lemme tell you, that was a rough place to be.
But I probably don't have to tell you.
I had a lovely conversation with one of my oldest friends the other day.  I mean oldest in both senses of the word.  I "adopted" a 50 some year old lady when I was 7 years old, and she's been one of my best friends ever since.  But part of that conversation was drenched in tears, as she expressed that she felt the same way I've just been describing.
But my God cannot be a God of shame.  He does not dangle his love over our heads, like an unreachable carrot.

"God is love." — I John 4:8b

God himself is love

Feelings are great.  But they can also tell lies.  Where do lies come from?

"You are of your father the devil...he is a liar and the father of lies." — John 8:44b NLT

Lies are from the devil.  How do we fight these lies?

"...your word is truth." — John 17:17b ESV

With the truth!  Truth is the only way to fight lies!  Truth is incredibly freeing!

"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”" — John 8:32 NLT

And what is the truth?  The truth is...  God loves you.  Jesus died for you, so that you could have a new life.  You are God's most precious treasure, he adores you!  We are his children!  If you stumble or slip, all you have to do is go to him and confess your sins, and he is ready and willing to forgive you!  He gives you strength, so that you can do anything he's called you to do!  And he is not about to leave you.

"“For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." — John 3:16 NLT

 "So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.  Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”" — Romans 8:15 NLT

"But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness." — I John 1:9

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." — Philippians 4:13 NLT

"...be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, “I will never fail you.  I will never abandon you.”" — Hebrews 13:5b NLT

Get yourself a list of promises from the Bible!  Look up the areas you struggle in, and put them in a word document, write them down, commit them to your memory.  When you're struggling, pull up that word document, grab your list, run through those verses in your mind, remind yourself that these feelings?  They are feelings.  It's okay to recognize that you feel this way, but it's even more important to recognize that no matter what your feelings are telling you, God's word is giving you the truth against the lies your feelings are telling you.

What Can I Do?

It was an ordinary Wednesday evening at my house.  I was cleaning up some of my kitchen, trying to get cookies made for a potluck we're doing at work tomorrow, and starting to feel discouraged.  You see, when God handed out gifts, one he did not give me was the ability to keep my kitchen clean.  Then, there was a little whisper.
"How are you supposed to pack everything and move three hours away when you can't even keep your kitchen clean?" (I'll be making a post about it later on, but I've accepted a ministry job offer, and I am so excited to start it, it's just that I'll be moving three hours away)
I started to feel discouraged.  It was right after all.  I can't keep my kitchen clean.  I try, and then I get overwhelmed, or distracted, or I'm at work, and it's difficult to clean a kitchen that is 30 minutes away from you.  In fact, I struggle with keeping my entire house clean.  Especially with a pandemic that makes it so that I don't have to clean for company to come over (company is a huge incentive to clean house for me).
Then...I remembered something.

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." — Philippians 4:13 NLT

If you've seen War Room, you probably remember the scene where the woman went through her entire house, denouncing the devil, telling him that he had no place in her home, or in her life.  You can watch that scene here.
I went on a rampage.  I yelled at Satan and told him that if God has placed it on my heart to move three hours away, where I only have two friends, and to do a difficult job, then God will also give me the strength to do what he's asked me to do.
I told him that he is a liar and the father of lies.

"When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies." — John 8:44b NLT

I told him that the abyss, hell, the lake of fire, was made for him and his angels.  Not for me, not for anyone in the town I'm living in, and not for anyone in the town I'm moving to.  That God has asked me to be his hands and feet and spread the good news, and that he can't stop me, and that there are people he will not be allowed to have, because I am determined to share God with them.

"Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:" — Matthew 25:41 KJV

 I informed him that I can do everything through Christ.  And everything means everything.  I can do something little, like getting my kitchen cleaned, something bigger like packing up and moving three hours away where I only have two friends, and, if it ever comes down to it, something huge, like allowing someone to kill me rather than renouncing the name of Jesus.
Everything means everything.
I also told Satan that he doesn't belong in my house, and he definitely doesn't belong whispering things in my mind.  I told him that I know he hates having scripture quoted at him, but that maybe he should have just not tried whispering lies into my mind.  I told him that I know how weak I am, and how scared and nervous I am of moving away from my friends, my family, and my church family.  And that it's okay, because God's strength is perfect in my weakness.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." — II Corinthians 12:9 ESV

I screamed at him.  I yelled at him.  I told him that he didn't belong here.  Because he doesn't.  He doesn't belong in my house, whispering things into my mind trying to make me doubt not only myself, but God.  God told me to fill out the job application, God gave me the job, and God is moving me and will provide a place to live when I get there.  God promises to take care of me.  He knows my needs before I ask!

"Don’t be like them, for your Father knows exactly what you need even before you ask him!" — Matthew 6:8 NLT

"And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." — Philippians 4:19 NLT

 Guys!  If God calls you to do something, if he brings you to a ministry, to a crossroads, and it's something that he wants you to do, you can do it.  Christ is giving you strength!  Do you remember what his strength accomplished?  He raised the dead to life.  He healed the blind and the lame, he cleansed people of leprosy, multiplied five loaves and two fish to the point that not only was everyone fed, but there were several baskets left over!!!  AND HE IS GIVING YOU STRENGTH!!!  Is that not incredible?!
You can do everything through Christ who gives you strength!  Everything!  From the small, to the large, and everything in between!  There are verses about how our faith can move mountains!  I've been to Colorado only twice, but I would like to tell you that the mountains are a wee bit big.
I do have to throw a wrench in this and say that if it's not God's will, no amount of wishing will make it so.  The II Corinthians verse earlier in this post was after Paul had repeatedly asked God to please remove this thorn in the flesh.  He had faith.  But God told him that he worked best through Paul's weakness, and that no, he would not remove his thorn.
But that's a whole different topic, for a whole different post.
Guys, I'm over here scared to move a measly three hours away, doubting my capabilities because of a messy kitchen.  But I can do it.  It's what God's asked me to do, and he isn't going to bring me to this crossroads, then leave me high and dry.  I can do everything, through Christ who gives me strength, because his spirit lives in me.

"The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. " — Romans 8:11a NLT

He's Gone

I am writing this from a place of grief.  There are many directions this post can go, because there are so many emotions that come from this.
I wrote awhile back about my missing kitty.  You can read that post here.  He isn't missing anymore.  But he's gone.  Thursday, I found his body.  He had hidden himself deep in a closet under a bunch of things so we couldn't find him.  I think he knew how much it would destroy me to find his body, so tried to hide from me.
I am aware that we're in the middle of a pandemic...but, I admit that it was the furthest thing from my mind when I saw his tail.  I couldn't even move anything else to get him out.  I called my mom, who came and got him out for me.  She gave me his collar and said that she and my stepdad would take care of the wood for a coffin.  He was a special cat.  He deserves more than a hole in the ground and a blanket.  I said I wished that I had the money to cremate him.
She took him home with her so that they could measure him for the coffin, then texted me a bit later to let me know that they would foot the bill to have him cremated.  We took him into the vet today to be cremated.  I don't have him home yet.
Thursday I cried for about 6 hours straight before I ran out of tears and gave myself a massive headache.  I've been crying on and off for about 4 or 5 hours now, and it's almost bedtime.
Poro was a good cat.  He was a special cat.  I know I'm biased because he was mine, but I've never met (heard of, yes, but never met) another cat who would sit on command.  I've never met another cat who could climb up a tree and come down with a bird.  He purred so loudly.  He loved to walk on my spleen.  He loved me and my mom, but if a stranger came over, he would stare at them wide-eyed before running upstairs and hiding.  If you met him, and if he let you pet him, you are a special human.
You might think that I'm stupid, or at the very least acting stupid for being so distraught about this.  "He's just a cat."  But he wasn't.  He was my baby.  I would have braved a snake for him.  I tried to leave him at my parents when I moved, so that he could still go outside, because he loved outside.  But this house wasn't a home until I had my Poro.  I'm brokenhearted.  I'll probably be crying for several more days.
And this is about the time, where if you remember that this isn't a personal blog, you start asking what this has to do with God and his love.
Because God cares!  He cares that I can barely see the words I'm typing because I am crying again.  He cares that I lost my baby.  He cares, even though my baby was a cat.  He is here with me, for me, near me.  He loves me, and he loves Poro.

"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds." — Psalm 147:3 NLT

There are no limits to the reasons for having the broken heart.  If you're broken hearted, he's there.

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” — I Peter 5:7 NLT

He cares because I care.  He wants to hear that I am sad.  He wants to hear that I am brokenhearted.  He wants to hear that I miss my baby.  Because he cares about me.

"What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it." — Matthew 10:29 NLT

God knows when the sparrows fall to the ground.  He knows when they die.  He cares about them.  And Poro is bigger than a sparrow.  Poro would eat the sparrow that fell to the ground...in fact, he would be the reason the sparrow fell to the ground.  And God cares about him, too.

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." — Matthew 11:28 NLT

I can go to him for rest, because this is a burden.  Grieving is exhausting, and it takes time.  A lot more time than I wish.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”" — Revelation 21:4 NLT

 I've been crying a lot lately.  I messaged my friend and said, "Hello, my name is Katie and I am a water fountain."  God is going to wipe those tears away from my eyes.  There's no more crying because of things like this.  There's no more death.  There's no more sorrow, or pain of loss.
I don't know if Poro will be in heaven.  Some people say no, some people say yes, some people say that the pets of the saints will be there, and I so very hope that they are, because the thought of never being able to hold my Poro again makes me start crying all over again.  Besides, none of the animals ever did anything wrong to be subjected to the curse.  It was mankind's fault.
I am hurting right now.  Not everyone understands.  They don't have to.  But, I also know that it's okay for me to mourn.

"A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance." — Ecclesiastes 3:4 NLT

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." — Matthew 5:4 KJV

Through this suffering, I am not alone.  I have friends who have done everything from give me space, to send me pictures of bunnies without expectation of reply, to listen to me talk about what a good boy Poro was.  And when I'm all alone in my house crying, there is a God, my father...my daddy, who hears me cry, and wraps me in his arms and gives me peaceful sleep and comfort.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort." — II Corinthians 1:3

(Poro, laying on my blanket, being cute and sweet)

Shame

Shame.  What is shame?
According to the dictionary on Google, shame is:

"a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior."

Pain.  Humiliation.  Distress.  Yuck.  Those words make me think of feelings that...aren't enjoyable.  Along with them come fear, and anger.  It makes me want to isolate myself from everyone else, because if I don't isolate myself, I fear that I'll lash out.
We all have a different relationship with shame.  Maybe when you feel ashamed it makes you want to just ignore the shame and do everything regardless.  Maybe when you feel shame, you begin blaming everyone else for your pain and distress.  Maybe you get mean.  Maybe you just shut down.  I don't know, God has made us all weirdly and beautifully unique, even down to our reactions to the same type of stimuli.
Shame is, unfortunately, a part of life.  If you don't dress right, don't talk right, if your family has the wrong last name, if you've been abused, if you grew up poor, etc.  Sometimes others make us feel shamed, sometimes we make ourselves feel shamed.  It's an awful feeling.
And it doesn't belong in the church.
I was talking to my mom and a friend earlier, and I realized that the church tends to have this love affair with shame.  We call ourselves sinners, even though we've been saved by grace, adopted into God's family, and made new.  We refuse to forgive ourselves and others for sins that God has already long since forgiven.  This is something that was actually brought up at church this Sunday.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith." — Ephesians 2:8a ESV

" Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."  — II Corinthians 5:17 ESV

I didn't realize until August 2019 that I was still holding shame over things that I did years ago.  God had forgiven me, why hadn't I forgiven me?  Not only that, but I held onto shame over things that others did against me, that I had no control over.  And why?  Isn't that ridiculous?
Yes, it is.  Shame is a lie.  A stupid lie that we buy into again and again.  And lies come from the devil, who should not be trusted.

"...he is a liar and the father of lies." — John 8:44b NLT

When we buy into the lie of shame, it weakens us.  We become afraid, and timid.  We become so wrapped up in our shame of being sinners that we become afraid to approach our father.  We allow ourselves to continue feeling condemned for things that Jesus already paid the price for!

"So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." — Romans 8:1 NLT

When we buy into the lie of shame, we allow ourselves to become controlled by our fear.  Not just controlled by our fear, but slaves to our fear.  God doesn't want us to live in bondage.  He adopted us, made us his children.

"So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”" — Romans 8:15 NLT

God wants us to be his children, not his slaves.  And we make ourselves slaves when we have an affair with shame.  When we refuse the Devil's lie of shame, and rely on the grace of our Heavenly Father, we are able to come before God boldly with our needs.

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." — Hebrews 4:16 NLT

But...shame is so easy to hold onto...it's strong.  It's a thick smog.  How do you get rid of it?

"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” — John 8:32 NLT

Shame is a lie.  The only way to battle a lie is with the truth.  We must rely on the truths already shared here.  Romans 8:15, Romans 8:1 (honestly the whole chapter of Romans 8 is fantastic), Hebrews 4:16, Ephesians 2:8,  II Corinthians 5:17,  II Timothy 1:7, Romans 8:38-39, so, so, so many verses.
Look up verses on love, forgiveness and mercy.  Those are things that are true and are the things we should focus our mind on, not the lies of the devil trying to cancel our boldness, freedom and salvation.

"Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." — Psalm 34:5 NLT

I Love Him, Because He Loves Me

I recently saw a couple of my Facebook friends share this post:



And I'm gonna tell you...part of me was like, "Yes, I want to post this."  But after that initial thought, the friends who flashed across my mind were people who would snort or roll their eyes at a post like this.  Shrug, say that they're good people (and honestly, for the most part I'd agree), that if Jesus loves them, he's not going to send them to hell, because they are good people.
Basically...if this were my last post, and that's what I said...I'd still have done no good.
My hope is that my last post on Facebook, on this blog, on any of my social media, does not tell someone that I want them to follow Jesus, but to show them why I do follow him.
People don't respond well to being told what to do.  At least I don't, and I'm pretty sure I'm a people.  People respond better when they are shown by example.  At least that's true of me, and again, I am pretty sure I'm a people.  However, I could be a cleverly disguised beaver in a trench coat.  Who knows at this point?
So, instead of telling you that I hope you'll follow Jesus and that he loves you...I'm going to tell you why I follow Jesus/God, and how I know that he loves me.

1. I follow Jesus and love him, because he loves me.

"We love because he first loved us." — I John 4:19 ESV

I know that God loves me.  Because no matter what I've done, he's never let go of me.  I'm not perfect, I'm not an angel, and unlike what one of my friends has called me since they've met me...I am not innocent.
I know that God loves me, because in my darkest hours, when I've cried out for a friend, he has provided.  He provided Alex when I was on the verge of giving up my faith, he provided Xander when I was drowning in shame for things I'd long since been forgiven of, and even tonight, he provided Marina when I felt afraid, and as though all my friends and family were going to abandon me.  All three of the people I listed by name were answers to prayers.
When I met Alex, I was the lowest in my faith that I had ever been.  I was barely reading my Bible, I had given up tithing.  My prayers were cries to God, telling him that I wanted to be a good Christian, but I felt helpless, was worn out, and giving up.  Meeting Alex is the best thing that has ever happened for my faith, because I began attending my church, and found the first church family I have ever had in my entire life at 18 years old.
When Xander came, I was at an extremely low point.  I had been making extremely poor decisions, both personally and especially for my faith.  I had confessed this to God, to my pastor and his wife, and these were not decisions I was making any longer, but I was still so ashamed of where I'd been, and had other external factors pressing on me, and hurting me, that I didn't see how I could move forward.  Xander came to visit, and gave me the name for this blog—without knowing or realizing it—when he reminded me that God is a God of love, not a God of shame.  He was an encouragement I desperately needed.
And tonight...Marina, she was an answer to pray for God to give me a friend so that I would know I wasn't alone and abandoned.  My depression and anxiety have had me crying almost every day for the past 7 days.  Maybe longer.  They've had me struggling and panicking for the past 2-3 weeks.  February/March tend to be rough months for my mental health.  I've been feeling alone.
Marina is a good friend from church.  We don't spend much time together outside of church, because between work and illness, and just general exhaustion, if one of us is good to go, the other just wants to lay on the couch and stop existing for 3 hours (nap, I mean nap, we want to nap).  She saw me crying at church yesterday (I started writing this on a Monday and it's been saved in my drafts ever since), because yes, I go to church even if I'm a royal mess, because I need to be with my family and no one ever makes me feel ashamed for crying at church.  She messaged me this morning telling me that she was thinking about me, praying for me, and offered up Minecraft as an activity we could do together, just so I could get my mind off of stuff.
So...I went.  Played Minecraft.  And...between Minecraft, pizza, lighthearted conversations, and deep conversations...that was what I needed.  A friend.
There are many reasons why I love Jesus, and I hope to make this into a series showcasing some of the reasons why I love and follow Jesus.
But honestly, the biggest reason that I love and follow Jesus is because when I finally learned that he was a God of love, not a God who I had to twist myself into a knot just to please so that he wouldn't get mad at me and leave...I finally knew what love was.  Or, I thought I did.  I am still learning what love is.  Because I'm still learning more and more about God, and God is love.

"God is love." — I John 4:8 ESV

I love and follow Jesus...because I know he loves me.

The Greatest Valentine

I can already see some of you rolling your eyes, thinking that I'm just going to do the cheesy, "Jesus is my Valentine, hehehe!"  Well.  I don't know if you're right or not, I just know that my God is love, and that I am excited about him.
Some of you may know, but I'm sure that most of you don't, I was baptized for the first time on Valentine's Day 4 years ago.  Despite being in church for 18 years (my whole life), I had never been baptized, nor had I ever really heard or understood that you are supposed to be baptized after you're saved.
Being that I was in church for my entire life, I honestly can't tell you exactly when I actually became a Christian myself.  I decided to say the prayer, by myself, on my toy chest, when I was 3 or 4, because I knew that that was what you were supposed to do.  I didn't really hit what most would call the age of accountability until I was around 9.
It doesn't make sense that I would grow up attending church, yet never be baptized or even see a reason, especially considering verses such as this one:

"Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit." — Matthew 28:19 NLT

That is...well, that appears to be an order from Jesus himself.  And I feel that it is pretty important that we obey the instructions given to us from the guy who gave up his life for us.
However, the church I grew up in...baptism is not a thing.  You will never see a baptismal in a Bible Holiness church.  Nor will you ever take communion in a Bible Holiness church (that's another can of worms for another post).  Those are things that have been disregarded as good, but optional...or even things that Jesus didn't intend for us, the people living today, to follow.  I disagree.
I don't think that baptism is what gives us our salvation.  This verse seems to indicate that baptism is not what condemns us or saves us:

"Anyone who believes and is baptized will be saved. But anyone who refuses to believe will be condemned." — Mark 16:16 NLT

From what I understand, it's the lack of belief that leads to condemnation...but yet, if baptism wasn't important, why would it be listed in there with the instruction to believe and be saved?  So...not what saves us, but still important.  It is obedience, which God prefers to anything else we could offer.

"Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission is better than offering the fat of rams." — I Samuel 15:22b NLT

We are baptized for the forgiveness of our sins, and so that we will receive the Holy Spirit!  These are good reasons to be baptized!

"Peter replied, “Each of you must repent of your sins and turn to God, and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. Then you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." — Acts 2:38 NLT

When we are baptized, it's us dying and being raised up to have a new life!

"For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives." — Romans 6:4 NLT

Why would we not want to be baptized?

"What are you waiting for? Get up and be baptized. Have your sins washed away by calling on the name of the Lord.’" — Acts 22:16 NLT

 February 14, 2016 was one of the best Valentine's Days I've ever had...and I have actually done cheesy romantic stuff for Valentine's Day, too.  But lemme just tell you...the person that I gave myself to on February 14, 2016 is never going to leave me or stop loving me.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." — Romans 8:38-39 NLT

Wanna know what my ex did?  Well.  Considering I said my ex, and not my boyfriend, fiancé, or husband, I think it's pretty clear.  He stopped loving me.  He hurt me.  He mistreated me, and made me feel worthless.
God's love has comforted me more times than I can even count.  Knowing that he loves me, even when I'm going through a rough patch has kept me going more than once.  He is truly the best valentine I have ever had, or could ever have.  My God is love.

"God is love." — I John 4:8b NLT 

So, if you're looking for a valentine this year, or any year, I don't know when you're reading this post, God is a pretty great one.  He's never let me down, even though, honestly, most if not all of the humans in my life have let me down at least once or twice...some more often than that.
Happy Valentine's Day guys ♥

The Lord Will Take Me Up

Some of you who know me personally know that I had an interesting summer.  A lot happened, but among the things that happened, I lost one of my friends.  They didn't die, but they stopped being my friend.
Unfortunately, the friend I lost was my stepdad.  I've never had a good relationship with my biological father, and he's been gone for 18 years, so chances of ever gaining a good relationship with him are...well...impossible on this earth.  And sadly, due to his lifestyle, probably in heaven as well.
When I lost him as my friend, it broke my heart.  In this situation, I had done nothing wrong, and I say that with full confidence.  I am the one who was wronged.  And I spent the better part of the summer trying to mend the relationship before I had to back out and protect myself.
There were a lot of questions...mostly pinning his hurtful behavior onto myself, blaming myself.  I wanted to know why I still didn't deserve to have a loving father.  I wanted to know what I did wrong.  I wanted to know why things like this always seem happen with the men in my life, even (sometimes especially) the men in the church.
One day I sat at work, having a particularly rough day, fighting tears.  I just wanted to be loved.  I wanted my parents, my mom and my stepdad.  And I felt so alone.  Abandoned.  Again.  Abandonment is something I'll touch on a lot on this blog...because it's something I feel so raw and deeply.
Then out of the blue, a verse that I didn't remember ever reading popped into my mind.

“When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.” — Psalm 27:10 KJV

"For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in." — Psalm 27:10 ESV

"Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close." — Psalm 27:10 NLT

I've included three different versions of this verse, because each one is so deeply intimate even in different wording.
When it was my lunch break, I looked up the verse, to make sure that it wasn't a product of my deranged mind...and it wasn't.  It was this verse (in the KJV, because that's what I've grown up with).  And it brought me so much comfort that I wept, and wrote in my Bible Notebook.
This is what I wrote:

"He will take me up.  Up in his arms like a little child.  His arms around me in a big embrace, face nuzzling and tickling my neck.  He will take me up in his arms and wipe my tears away.  I am a little child, my heart broken.  And he takes me up.  Safe.  Close to his heart.
 "He is my father.  He takes me up.  He holds me with arms big enough to hold all things together, yet small enough I'm in no danger of falling.
"The Lord will take me up.  My God, my king, my savior.  He will take me up.  He will be my father.
"He will take me up.  His treasured princess.  I am forsaken...  But I am not left alone and destitute...because The Lord takes me up."

I felt myself wrapped in his arms when I read that verse.
And I still do.
I feel it in the solace I've found with my aunt.  Something I may not have found again had this not happened.  I feel it in the hugs and kisses of my sweet Sharon at church.  I feel it when my dear friend Linda listens to me ramble, and hugs me, and cares, even when/if she disagrees.
I feel the Lord's arms around me in the love I find from those at my church.  The most loving church I've ever known.
Not everyone at church knows what I've gone through during my life.  Not everyone knows what I've done and gone through this summer.  They don't need to know.  They love me regardless.
I want to call out everyone from church who has encouraged me.  I want to write their names in big, bold letters...but to do that, to call out everyone who has encouraged me and made me to know that the Lord has taken me up, taken me in, and held me close, I would need the church directory (for correct spellings), and at least 1,000 more words.
Dear church family, you have been a balm to my aching, wearing, broken and scared soul.  If you are reading this, I adore you.  If you aren't, I still adore you, you'll just have to rely on my hugs and anything I say to you in person to get that across, instead of reading it here.
I'm not fatherless.  I'm not an orphan.
I am God's daughter.
And he has taken me up, taken me in, and holds me close.  I know I am loved, wanted and cherished.

Ephesians 3:20-21

I run a Facebook group dedicated to mental health and recovery, and from this group has sprang up a few different group chats.  One of them is a Bible Study group chat, where we can all share the verses that are speaking to us at the moment and have theological discussion.
My aunt is a part of the group and she almost always, every morning, drops a Bible verse in the Bible Study group chat.  I usually read it, feel happy, go about my day, sometimes respond.  But, this morning after she did that, I was reading through one of my reading plans on the YouVersion Bible app (it has the Katie recommended seal of approval), and came across Ephesians 3:20-21.

(Picture generated by YouVersion Bible app, verse is KJV)

I shared that image in the group chat, and left it.
But, the best part about group chats is that there are other people in them, who can offer their input.  And my aunt did.

"I've prayed this verse so many times and it didn't happen like I thought I would... So I got to thinking that maybe God doesn't always give us more than we ask if we don't take care of what He does give us...

So I've been trying to make that right and take care of what I have...

Now, I wonder if I just don't really believe this deep down... I know God promises our needs as well, and so I trust that promise... And He has never failed to follow through.

But since I feel like I just now have a good handle with what He has given, I don't know that I fully believe He will give more than I ask or think..."

Sometimes verses like Ephesians 3:20-21 are turned into prosperity gospel.  The idea that if we give xyz to God, then he'll pour back into us more than we can imagine...which isn't exactly false.  But when this verse is discussed, it's almost always about the physical.  If we give our time to God, he'll give us money.  If we give our money to God, he'll give us stuff.  If we give our service to God, he'll give us MORE money and stuff.
Maybe we have it wrong what he's going to pour out to us.
He promises to supply all of our needs.

“But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” — Philippians 4:19 KJV

But is what we need more stuff?
It's nice, I gotta admit.  I enjoy my stuff.  Please do not take any of my 200 (didn't actually count them) stuffed animals.  Most of them have names and are special.  Please don't take my books or video games, or movies.  I like my stuff.
Money is very nice.  A little to fall back on in case of an emergency.  A nice savings account.  Being able to go out with friends and pick up the check and the tip.  Being able to buy that cool thing at Walmart without checking the price.  Splurging on beef sticks.  Buying the ever expensive, but always delicious beef jerky.
But is it really what we need?
There are Christians in countries that aren't the USA who are being tortured, killed, beheaded, and imprisoned.  Just because they're Christians who refuse to renounce Christ.  They don't have stuff.  And if we believe stuff is our need, then God isn't supplying all their need.  So...God must be lying.
But.  My God isn't a liar.
I've quoted this verse in almost every post I've made on this blog...because it is one of my favorites.

"...be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” — Hebrews 13:5b

Be content with what you have.  Why?  Because God is not going to leave us or forsake us.  He is all we need.  God supplies us with himself.  With his grace, and mercy, peace that passes understanding.

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." — Philippians 4:7 KJV

And besides just supplying us with himself, he takes care and interest into our lives and our wants, and our physical needs.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all." — Matthew 6:25-32 ESV

He knows we have these physical needs.  He cares about us, and he cares about our needs.  I've never gone without clothing.  Even when I was growing up, and thought we weren't going to have food to eat, God always supplied the food.  I didn't starve.
But, at the end of the day, our biggest need is him.  Our only lasting need, is him.
That's why, to me, Hebrews 13:5b is so important.  It covers more than just one thing.  It covers my abandonment issues (written about here).  And it reminds me to be content with what I have...even if all I have is God.
Our lives on earth are so short.  But they aren't meaningless.  In the vastness of the universe, we are smaller than a speck of dust, and dust is smaller still.  Yet the maker of the universe, the creator of all that is, takes an interest in us, and loves us.  Not because we're worthy of his love, but because...because he just does.  There is no logical reason why God should love us.  Left to our own devices, the worst of us murder, rape, and torture, and the best of us tend to wind up bitter about one thing or another, and what good we do wind up doing takes a lot of work and effort.

 "Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom." — Psalm 90:12 NLT

"...yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." — James 4:14 ESV

 Yet despite our inconsequentialness and self-centeredness, God takes interest in us and loves us.  The thing is, like my friend Linda (another lady within the group) said, God sees the big picture.  We don't.  We barely even see what's right in front of us.

"For now we see through a glass, darkly..." — I Corinthians 13:12a.

Something else my friend Linda said was:

"God gives us what we need when we need it. Our finite imagination can't fathom what He can do. It also doesn't fully comprehend the difference between our wants and our needs. "

I've been told that I have a big imagination.  I can imagine...a lot, both good and bad. But Linda's right.  I can't imagine all that God can do.  I can't imagine a world without pain and suffering...I can't imagine heaven.
What she ended her message with was this:

"Part of being a good steward is accepting what He gives us and being content because we know He has our eternal best interest in mind."

My aunt replied (I'm paraphrasing) that sometimes later down the road, we see that what God gave us was better than what we wanted, whined about, cried over, and asked for.
I cried over my ex.  I wanted to marry him.  I wanted a life with him.  But had I married him, it would have been a horribly lonely, unfulfilling marriage.  We would have been at each other's throats.  I didn't see it at the time, though.  I saw his potential.  But potential is not who a person is.
I asked God to let what was best happen, and begged for what was best to be my relationship mending and being restored. But what wound up happening was that we broke up (maybe I'll write a fuller post about that at some point in time).  And it didn't feel like what was the best.
But things are better now...because I don't have what I thought I needed and wanted.  Because, surprise surprise, the one who made everything knew better than I did.
God can do above and beyond what we could ever ask or think.  And sometimes what he does, doesn't entail giving us what we want.  Because he's above and beyond us.  Beyond our very understanding.

"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.  And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." — Isaiah 55:8 NLT

And that's okay.  Because this:

""For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."" — Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

And this:

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." — Romans 8:28 KJV

Things may not go the way we think they ought to.  And we may not get everything we want or think we need.  We may not be blessed abundantly with stuff and money.  And that's okay.  We are blessed with God.

Singing on the Mound

This is a post directly related to my previous post, Psalm 13.  I promised to share a testimony of a time I praised God despite struggling with my mental illnesses, and this is that testimony.  I've previously shared it in a few different group chats and Facebook groups I'm a part of, so you may have heard the skeleton of this story already.
This was very early in December, and I was fighting anxiety something fierce.  One of my friends was going through a rough time and not talking much, so I was worried about them, but in addition to that, I was also having panic attacks almost all day, every day.
I would get up and have crippling anxiety.  Go to work.  Have more anxiety.  Have lunch.  Have a side of anxiety.  No matter what I did, it was anxiety.
I kept up with my Bible reading plans, but they didn't help anything.  One night, I opened my Bible and turned to Psalms, hoping to find some comfort, but found that I couldn't even read it, so I just curled up on my bed, holding my Bible in my arms, crying and trying to pray.  I definitely clung to Romans 8:26 that night.

"Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." — Romans 8:26 KJV

Finally, it got so bad on Wednesday, that I decided if I didn't feel better after lunch, I was going to go home, because I wasn't able to give myself to the kiddos the way they needed and deserved (I work at a school in a support position).  For me to willingly take off work is saying a lot.  I don't take off work.  I can't afford to, and I feel like a bum most of the time when I do, even when I'm sick.
I explained roughly to my supervising teacher that I wasn't physically sick, but the anxiety was so bad I couldn't breathe.  She was so understanding, and sent me home, telling me that I have sick days for a reason, and it's okay to take them.
On the way home, I came to the corner that would take me to the mound.
The mound is a park sort of place in my town.  It's literally a big hill with a park on top.  There are hiking trails, and a path to drive up.  At the very top is something we call the lookout.  It's just a cement platform raised up high enough that you can see the entire city.  It's a beautiful place to go, and probably my favorite place in my town (aside from my own house).
So, I drove up there.  I hadn't eaten lunch yet.
I just sat in front of the lookout for a bit, then decided on Sonic for lunch.  So I went to get my lunch and came back.  I tried to feed a cat that I saw.  It...did not like hot dogs.  But it was a sweet cat and I loved it.
I tried to pray a bit.  It was still hard.  I was still anxious.  I was still worried about my friend.
Finally, I got out of my car, and climbed up to the lookout.
I love to sing, and always have.  I have a hymn book app on my phone, so I opened it up, and began singing every hymn from it that I knew, whether it was one I preferred or not.  I don't remember if I prayed while I sang or not.  But I offered myself up to God, despite that I could barely breathe.
I didn't realize how loud I was singing, or that anyone could hear me.  I love to sing, but I get nervous when people catch me singing.  I'm okay with performing (though I'm nervous then, too).  I'm fine with breaking out into song with friends and family.  But for someone to just catch me singing...it makes me nervous.
After about an hour, I felt so much better.  There was so much peace.  This doesn't always, or frequently happen, but this time, praising God when I couldn't breathe turned out that he took my anxiety away that time.
But the story isn't over.
I got back in my car, and was just sitting there reading my Bible...I think I was in Psalms again.
This big, white, SUV van thing drives up the mound.  Not uncommon.  Others had driven up and down the mound that day.  But then they drove right up next to my car, where I was sitting with the window rolled down.
A Mennonite lady gets out, and walks over to my car.  "Are you the one who was singing?"
Seeing as I could not see myself, I can only imagine that my eyes got big when she asked that.  And I go, "Yes, I didn't know anyone could hear me!" (Thank you Mr. Miller for teaching me how to project...)
She told me she'd been working in her yard when she heard me.  Her little boy had been singing back to me, but of course I couldn't hear him.  She also told me that she'd been blessed by my singing.
Guys!  This is big!  And beautiful!  And...I am still blown away by it.
I was suffering that day.  I was struggling and suffering, and couldn't breathe.  I was hurting.  Yet I poured out myself to God.  I told him how I felt, and then I praised him anyway.
My pain led to another woman being blessed.  My choice to praise God even when I was in pain led to another woman being blessed.  And learning that I had blessed her, in turn blessed me.
And if she heard me...others probably did, too.  Including that truck that just sat there up on the mound for 2-3 hours....  I don't know how many people I accidentally blessed.
When you are hurting, and in pain, your reaction to your suffering can be an amazing blessing and example to others.  When you praise God despite suffering, you're also being like Job (see the book of Job), who lost everything, yet still chose to follow God, and praise him, and didn't reject him because of the suffering he was allowed to go through.
When you praise God despite your suffering, sometimes he will absolutely take your suffering away.  And sometimes he doesn't.  And that's okay.  You are an example to others by the way you live your life.  When you praise God, despite your suffering, you are telling Satan that he's still not winning.  That even when he throws things at you (whether directly, as in the case of Job, or because of the fall) he cannot take away your love and praise to a good God who loves you more than you can imagine.
AND
You're telling others that you serve a God bigger than your suffering, and that you refuse to allow your suffering to pull you away from him.

Psalm 13

I love the Psalms.  Ever since I was a child, Psalm 56 was my favorite Psalm, with the third verse being my favorite.

"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." — Psalm 56:3 KJV

This is partially because I was a very scared child.  I was scared a lot, about a lot of things.  I cannot count how many times I chanted this verse to myself because I was afraid.  As an adult, I'm still afraid of...well, to be honest, quite a bit.  However, I also know that I have God's protection over me, and that gives peace within the fear.  Maybe someday he will completely take my fears away.  But even if he doesn't, he is still God.
As I grew older, the Psalms became more and more important to me, as anxiety and depression really hit and, faced with no resources, I had to try to figure out my own coping mechanisms, hoping they were healthy ones.
Reading the Psalms didn't always take away my depression or anxiety (most of the time it didn't), but something that it did do, was encourage me that I was not alone.  There were others, giants in the Bible, DAVID himself, a man after God's own heart, who struggled.
I specifically remember one evening, my freshman year of high school, when I was hit with a horrible depression attack.  Possibly anxiety and panic as well, but I didn't have a name for those feelings yet.  I didn't find a name for those feelings until I was...around 16, I think.  I just remember the depression.
I put on my rollerblades (a healthy coping mechanism I had was to rollerblade around the town!), and rolled myself to church, along with my little red Bible (which is now worn out and somewhat retired because it was falling apart).
The church was always unlocked, and I had permission from the pastor to go in and play piano, virtually whenever I wanted, which was nice.
I don't remember if I played piano.  But I do remember that I sat on the front pew, all alone, and cried.  I remember opening my Bible and reading a Psalm.  Psalm 13.  I must have also taken a notebook, because I went through and tried to paraphrase it.
Here's the original:

"How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;

Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation. 

I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me." — Psalm 13 KJV

This is what I wrote:

"How long before I can feel you?  How long before I can see you, God?  Forever?  How long will I be trapped in my mind?  And be depressed everyday?  How long will they be over me and oppress me?  Please hear me, God!  Cheer me up before my thoughts run away with me, and I commit suicide.  Don't let my enemies beat me down and be happy when I cry."

And then I stopped.  I couldn't write the rest.  In my mind, the author (most likely David) went to God and then suddenly felt better, so he was rejoicing.  No more depression!  But I was still depressed.  And I didn't feel like rejoicing.
Later, when I was cheerier, I was able to write the ending.

"But I trust you, and I'm glad, because you've saved me.  I will sing to you, because you've saved me."

But as I've gotten older, I realized something.  The author of Psalm 13 was probably still depressed when they wrote the ending.
"What?  But look how cheerful he sounds!"
Yeah, I know.  That's what I thought when I was young and struggling to paraphrase the end because I didn't feel it.
The end of Psalm 13 is the author following the instruction that wasn't even written yet in I Peter 5:7.

"Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." — I Peter 5:7

The author went to God, and poured out their feelings and emotions.  They poured out their fears and anxieties to God.  We don't need to be sanitary with God.  It's okay to tell him and show him the raw fear and pain and anxiety you're feeling.  He wants us to do that.  Those are our cares, and he cares about us.
But in the end, the author finished by telling God he was going to trust him.  The author finished by rejoicing in the promises he had from God.  The author finished by reminding himself and God that God had dealt bountifully with him in the past.  If God dealt bountifully in the past, why would he stop now or in the future?
When we are faced with depression and anxiety, we should feel free to fall upon God and pour out the sorrow.  And then?  Even within the sorrow, we make the choice to remind ourselves of the good God has done to us and given us in the past.  Write it down, pray it to God, make a "thankful list".   That's a good and healthy coping mechanism.
Will worshipping God in the pain always or immediately take away the depression or anxiety?  No, not always.  Sometimes it can.  But it doesn't always.
Sometimes it feels like going to the doctor and getting a shot, even though you're terrified of shots, and hate them, and would rather do almost anything in the world other than get the stupid shot (hello, me).  But you know that the shot is going to help you get better.
Sometimes it's hard to tell God you trust him when the anxiety makes you feel like you're upsetting everyone and everyone hates you.  Sometimes it's hard to tell God you know he loves you, when your head knows he loves you, but your heart is clouded by depression and you feel like no one loves you.
The author of Psalm 13 had a relationship with God.  A deep one, where he felt free to go to God with his pain.  A relationship where he knew, even when he didn't feel, that God was good, and loving, and caring.  So, when he was finished telling God how he felt, he told God what he knew.
Even when we are depressed and anxious, God loves us and he cares.  We can rely on his promises that he will not leave us, that he cares for us.  And we can pray those promises back to him.  Not because he has forgotten his promises, but to remind us of his promises.  We can sing praises to him.  Not always because we're happy (read the story of Paul and Silas singing in prison in Acts 16), but because even when we're struggling or hurting, God is still God, and God still cares.
I'll be writing up a testimony type post about a time when I was struggling and did turn my struggle back into a worship for God, and was blessed amazingly, then edit this so you can find it, but if I tried to add it now, it would be too long.
Here it is: Singing on the Mound

Abandonment

I am the queen of abandonment issues.  Okay, not really.  I'm not the queen of anything.  But I do have a fear of abandonment.  If you asked me my top five fears, it would probably come in first place.
It started with my dad.
My biological father (I also have a stepdad) was charming, talented, and entertaining.  He could draw anything just from his mind!  He could sing, just make up a song, right off the top of his head.  He could write.  I have many of his same talents.  One of my aunts recently told me that she understood why my mom fell for him.
Unfortunately, he was also abusive.  This is something I didn't learn until I was 18, and I learned it by accident.  The things I learned that he said and did to my mother were despicable.  And that's only what had been written down.  He was deep into drugs.  In fact, when I was four, he died in an argument about drugs.
Thankfully, my mom left him before I was born, and I never had to live in his household.  This was, of course, much to the chagrin of church members.  She was told that she should stay with him, and not get a divorce.  Essentially?  She was told that it would be better for her to come home in a body bag.  But that's a story for another time.
My dad had visitation with me.  When he came, I would scream and refuse to let him buckle me in.  I wouldn't give in until I was worn out.  I was so young that I don't actually remember this, but my aunt told me about it.  I would come home smelling like weed.
But, often, he just wouldn't come.  After he died, there were no more chances for him to come.
I didn't realize until much later exactly how messed up my early years were.  It took even longer to realize all the ways that these events affected me.
Severe anxiety attacks when people would come to visit or take me somewhere.  The excitement was covered over by the fear they would forget me.  Calling, texting, just to make sure they were still coming.  Checking and double checking that the plans hadn't changed.  If someone was running late?  The worse case scenarios played through my mind like movies.
It also manifested itself in fears of being annoying, or disinteresting.  Severe anxiety when left on read.  Assuming that if someone isn't replying, it's because they're grown tired of me, instead of that they are a busy college student who doesn't have time to engage in conversation at the moment, but will reply when they get a chance.
But honestly?  The worst effect has probably been the way it's colored my relationship with God.
God is our heavenly father.  The best father anyone could have.  However, sometimes we color him in the lens of our earthly father.
My childhood and teenage years were filled with the fear that I wasn't good enough.  That I had to walk a thin line, or God would abandon me.  If I did something wrong, he that would be it.  No more forgiveness, only anger.  I would be left alone, abandoned and unloved.
Sometimes this fear manifests itself in nightmares of the end of the world.  There's fire, and demons...and me.  And I'm left.  Sometimes it's severe anxiety attacks in church, particularly during a sermon on hell.  Shaky legs and racing heart as my grandpa talked about the end of time.  Panic attacks at the prospect of reading Revelation.  The feeling that no matter how much I repent and pray, none of my sins are really forgiven.
It's a miserable experience to live in.  One that I'm much more able to shake now than I've ever been in my entire life.  If you feel that way, or have ever felt that way...you're not alone.  You, like me, understand that it's like tight, restricting chains.  Bondage.  And we were not made to live in bondage.
But how do we get free?

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." — John 8:32 (KJV)

This fear of abandonment is rooted in lies.  Lies that we have to earn God's love or forgiveness.  Lies that we have to perfect ourselves before we're lovable enough.  Lies that we've done too much, gone too far, been too...well, too bad.  Lies that God is like our earthly father.  So many lies.
Because, guess what?

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." — I John 4:10 (ESV)

 And he loved us before we ever even dreamed of loving or caring about him.

"We love him, because he first loved us." — I John 4:19 (KJV)

He loves us.  There are so many verses about his love toward us.  If you want to look up more, go to BibleGateway (this should be a clickable link) and just search the word "love" in the search bar.  You can also read in pretty much any translation you prefer.  I tend to prefer ESV and KJV...if you didn't notice.
And that's not all!

"...be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”" — Hebrews 13:5b

He's not going anywhere!  The be content was directed toward want of physical riches, but you can even apply it to things like...friends...and people.  We can be content, because GOD isn't going anywhere.

"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.  My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand." — John 10:27-29 (ESV)

We cannot be snatched from his hand.  He's not going anywhere, and no one can steal us away either.
Okay, but what if he doesn't leave, and no one can take us from him...what's to stop him from being abusive, like other people in our lives?

 "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." — Romans 8:38-39 (ESV)

Nothing can tear us away from him.  And nothing can separate us from his love.  He is not going to just hold onto us and abuse us.  He is a God of love.  There's a definition of love in I Corinthians 13.  It's really long, so I just linked it instead.
Guys!  We are so deeply and wonderfully loved by God.  Memorize these verses.  These are promises.  These are truths.  Repeat them to yourself when you feel the panic and fears rising up.  Rest assured knowing that even when humans abandon you, God will not.  He's not leaving.
He's not sitting on his thrones, arms crossed, holding sins you've repented of against you.  You don't have to keep telling him you're sorry.  He doesn't even remember your sins.

 "I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins." — Isaiah 43:25 (KJV)

He's not listening to humans who try to tell him what your worth is.  He isn't going to leave you because your mother, or father, or pastor, or friend, or anyone else left you.  He is not like that.  He will not leave.
Sometimes, when I get scared of being abandoned by a friend, I get clingy.  I message a lot, text a lot, freak out when they don't reply ASAP.  Sometimes I push them away instead, and try to isolate myself.  Short replies, hesitance to make plans, canceling plans....
Unfortunately, both of these reactions tend to be unhealthy for friendships.  Sometimes I scare people off because I'm too intense.  Other times, they eventually just give up trying and let me stay in isolation.
BUT...it is okay and good to be clingy toward God.  Tell him how you feel.  Tell him when the panic and anxiety make it feel like there is someone squeezing your chest and you can barely breathe, because you're scared of losing a friend.  Pray back his promises to him.  Not because he has forgotten, but to help yourself remember that he's made these promises, and he will keep them.  You will not annoy him.  He wants to hear.

"casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." — I Peter 5:7 (ESV)