Abandonment

I am the queen of abandonment issues.  Okay, not really.  I'm not the queen of anything.  But I do have a fear of abandonment.  If you asked me my top five fears, it would probably come in first place.
It started with my dad.
My biological father (I also have a stepdad) was charming, talented, and entertaining.  He could draw anything just from his mind!  He could sing, just make up a song, right off the top of his head.  He could write.  I have many of his same talents.  One of my aunts recently told me that she understood why my mom fell for him.
Unfortunately, he was also abusive.  This is something I didn't learn until I was 18, and I learned it by accident.  The things I learned that he said and did to my mother were despicable.  And that's only what had been written down.  He was deep into drugs.  In fact, when I was four, he died in an argument about drugs.
Thankfully, my mom left him before I was born, and I never had to live in his household.  This was, of course, much to the chagrin of church members.  She was told that she should stay with him, and not get a divorce.  Essentially?  She was told that it would be better for her to come home in a body bag.  But that's a story for another time.
My dad had visitation with me.  When he came, I would scream and refuse to let him buckle me in.  I wouldn't give in until I was worn out.  I was so young that I don't actually remember this, but my aunt told me about it.  I would come home smelling like weed.
But, often, he just wouldn't come.  After he died, there were no more chances for him to come.
I didn't realize until much later exactly how messed up my early years were.  It took even longer to realize all the ways that these events affected me.
Severe anxiety attacks when people would come to visit or take me somewhere.  The excitement was covered over by the fear they would forget me.  Calling, texting, just to make sure they were still coming.  Checking and double checking that the plans hadn't changed.  If someone was running late?  The worse case scenarios played through my mind like movies.
It also manifested itself in fears of being annoying, or disinteresting.  Severe anxiety when left on read.  Assuming that if someone isn't replying, it's because they're grown tired of me, instead of that they are a busy college student who doesn't have time to engage in conversation at the moment, but will reply when they get a chance.
But honestly?  The worst effect has probably been the way it's colored my relationship with God.
God is our heavenly father.  The best father anyone could have.  However, sometimes we color him in the lens of our earthly father.
My childhood and teenage years were filled with the fear that I wasn't good enough.  That I had to walk a thin line, or God would abandon me.  If I did something wrong, he that would be it.  No more forgiveness, only anger.  I would be left alone, abandoned and unloved.
Sometimes this fear manifests itself in nightmares of the end of the world.  There's fire, and demons...and me.  And I'm left.  Sometimes it's severe anxiety attacks in church, particularly during a sermon on hell.  Shaky legs and racing heart as my grandpa talked about the end of time.  Panic attacks at the prospect of reading Revelation.  The feeling that no matter how much I repent and pray, none of my sins are really forgiven.
It's a miserable experience to live in.  One that I'm much more able to shake now than I've ever been in my entire life.  If you feel that way, or have ever felt that way...you're not alone.  You, like me, understand that it's like tight, restricting chains.  Bondage.  And we were not made to live in bondage.
But how do we get free?

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." — John 8:32 (KJV)

This fear of abandonment is rooted in lies.  Lies that we have to earn God's love or forgiveness.  Lies that we have to perfect ourselves before we're lovable enough.  Lies that we've done too much, gone too far, been too...well, too bad.  Lies that God is like our earthly father.  So many lies.
Because, guess what?

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." — I John 4:10 (ESV)

 And he loved us before we ever even dreamed of loving or caring about him.

"We love him, because he first loved us." — I John 4:19 (KJV)

He loves us.  There are so many verses about his love toward us.  If you want to look up more, go to BibleGateway (this should be a clickable link) and just search the word "love" in the search bar.  You can also read in pretty much any translation you prefer.  I tend to prefer ESV and KJV...if you didn't notice.
And that's not all!

"...be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”" — Hebrews 13:5b

He's not going anywhere!  The be content was directed toward want of physical riches, but you can even apply it to things like...friends...and people.  We can be content, because GOD isn't going anywhere.

"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.  My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand." — John 10:27-29 (ESV)

We cannot be snatched from his hand.  He's not going anywhere, and no one can steal us away either.
Okay, but what if he doesn't leave, and no one can take us from him...what's to stop him from being abusive, like other people in our lives?

 "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." — Romans 8:38-39 (ESV)

Nothing can tear us away from him.  And nothing can separate us from his love.  He is not going to just hold onto us and abuse us.  He is a God of love.  There's a definition of love in I Corinthians 13.  It's really long, so I just linked it instead.
Guys!  We are so deeply and wonderfully loved by God.  Memorize these verses.  These are promises.  These are truths.  Repeat them to yourself when you feel the panic and fears rising up.  Rest assured knowing that even when humans abandon you, God will not.  He's not leaving.
He's not sitting on his thrones, arms crossed, holding sins you've repented of against you.  You don't have to keep telling him you're sorry.  He doesn't even remember your sins.

 "I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins." — Isaiah 43:25 (KJV)

He's not listening to humans who try to tell him what your worth is.  He isn't going to leave you because your mother, or father, or pastor, or friend, or anyone else left you.  He is not like that.  He will not leave.
Sometimes, when I get scared of being abandoned by a friend, I get clingy.  I message a lot, text a lot, freak out when they don't reply ASAP.  Sometimes I push them away instead, and try to isolate myself.  Short replies, hesitance to make plans, canceling plans....
Unfortunately, both of these reactions tend to be unhealthy for friendships.  Sometimes I scare people off because I'm too intense.  Other times, they eventually just give up trying and let me stay in isolation.
BUT...it is okay and good to be clingy toward God.  Tell him how you feel.  Tell him when the panic and anxiety make it feel like there is someone squeezing your chest and you can barely breathe, because you're scared of losing a friend.  Pray back his promises to him.  Not because he has forgotten, but to help yourself remember that he's made these promises, and he will keep them.  You will not annoy him.  He wants to hear.

"casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." — I Peter 5:7 (ESV)