Abandonment

I am the queen of abandonment issues.  Okay, not really.  I'm not the queen of anything.  But I do have a fear of abandonment.  If you asked me my top five fears, it would probably come in first place.
It started with my dad.
My biological father (I also have a stepdad) was charming, talented, and entertaining.  He could draw anything just from his mind!  He could sing, just make up a song, right off the top of his head.  He could write.  I have many of his same talents.  One of my aunts recently told me that she understood why my mom fell for him.
Unfortunately, he was also abusive.  This is something I didn't learn until I was 18, and I learned it by accident.  The things I learned that he said and did to my mother were despicable.  And that's only what had been written down.  He was deep into drugs.  In fact, when I was four, he died in an argument about drugs.
Thankfully, my mom left him before I was born, and I never had to live in his household.  This was, of course, much to the chagrin of church members.  She was told that she should stay with him, and not get a divorce.  Essentially?  She was told that it would be better for her to come home in a body bag.  But that's a story for another time.
My dad had visitation with me.  When he came, I would scream and refuse to let him buckle me in.  I wouldn't give in until I was worn out.  I was so young that I don't actually remember this, but my aunt told me about it.  I would come home smelling like weed.
But, often, he just wouldn't come.  After he died, there were no more chances for him to come.
I didn't realize until much later exactly how messed up my early years were.  It took even longer to realize all the ways that these events affected me.
Severe anxiety attacks when people would come to visit or take me somewhere.  The excitement was covered over by the fear they would forget me.  Calling, texting, just to make sure they were still coming.  Checking and double checking that the plans hadn't changed.  If someone was running late?  The worse case scenarios played through my mind like movies.
It also manifested itself in fears of being annoying, or disinteresting.  Severe anxiety when left on read.  Assuming that if someone isn't replying, it's because they're grown tired of me, instead of that they are a busy college student who doesn't have time to engage in conversation at the moment, but will reply when they get a chance.
But honestly?  The worst effect has probably been the way it's colored my relationship with God.
God is our heavenly father.  The best father anyone could have.  However, sometimes we color him in the lens of our earthly father.
My childhood and teenage years were filled with the fear that I wasn't good enough.  That I had to walk a thin line, or God would abandon me.  If I did something wrong, he that would be it.  No more forgiveness, only anger.  I would be left alone, abandoned and unloved.
Sometimes this fear manifests itself in nightmares of the end of the world.  There's fire, and demons...and me.  And I'm left.  Sometimes it's severe anxiety attacks in church, particularly during a sermon on hell.  Shaky legs and racing heart as my grandpa talked about the end of time.  Panic attacks at the prospect of reading Revelation.  The feeling that no matter how much I repent and pray, none of my sins are really forgiven.
It's a miserable experience to live in.  One that I'm much more able to shake now than I've ever been in my entire life.  If you feel that way, or have ever felt that way...you're not alone.  You, like me, understand that it's like tight, restricting chains.  Bondage.  And we were not made to live in bondage.
But how do we get free?

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." — John 8:32 (KJV)

This fear of abandonment is rooted in lies.  Lies that we have to earn God's love or forgiveness.  Lies that we have to perfect ourselves before we're lovable enough.  Lies that we've done too much, gone too far, been too...well, too bad.  Lies that God is like our earthly father.  So many lies.
Because, guess what?

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." — I John 4:10 (ESV)

 And he loved us before we ever even dreamed of loving or caring about him.

"We love him, because he first loved us." — I John 4:19 (KJV)

He loves us.  There are so many verses about his love toward us.  If you want to look up more, go to BibleGateway (this should be a clickable link) and just search the word "love" in the search bar.  You can also read in pretty much any translation you prefer.  I tend to prefer ESV and KJV...if you didn't notice.
And that's not all!

"...be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”" — Hebrews 13:5b

He's not going anywhere!  The be content was directed toward want of physical riches, but you can even apply it to things like...friends...and people.  We can be content, because GOD isn't going anywhere.

"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.  My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand." — John 10:27-29 (ESV)

We cannot be snatched from his hand.  He's not going anywhere, and no one can steal us away either.
Okay, but what if he doesn't leave, and no one can take us from him...what's to stop him from being abusive, like other people in our lives?

 "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." — Romans 8:38-39 (ESV)

Nothing can tear us away from him.  And nothing can separate us from his love.  He is not going to just hold onto us and abuse us.  He is a God of love.  There's a definition of love in I Corinthians 13.  It's really long, so I just linked it instead.
Guys!  We are so deeply and wonderfully loved by God.  Memorize these verses.  These are promises.  These are truths.  Repeat them to yourself when you feel the panic and fears rising up.  Rest assured knowing that even when humans abandon you, God will not.  He's not leaving.
He's not sitting on his thrones, arms crossed, holding sins you've repented of against you.  You don't have to keep telling him you're sorry.  He doesn't even remember your sins.

 "I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins." — Isaiah 43:25 (KJV)

He's not listening to humans who try to tell him what your worth is.  He isn't going to leave you because your mother, or father, or pastor, or friend, or anyone else left you.  He is not like that.  He will not leave.
Sometimes, when I get scared of being abandoned by a friend, I get clingy.  I message a lot, text a lot, freak out when they don't reply ASAP.  Sometimes I push them away instead, and try to isolate myself.  Short replies, hesitance to make plans, canceling plans....
Unfortunately, both of these reactions tend to be unhealthy for friendships.  Sometimes I scare people off because I'm too intense.  Other times, they eventually just give up trying and let me stay in isolation.
BUT...it is okay and good to be clingy toward God.  Tell him how you feel.  Tell him when the panic and anxiety make it feel like there is someone squeezing your chest and you can barely breathe, because you're scared of losing a friend.  Pray back his promises to him.  Not because he has forgotten, but to help yourself remember that he's made these promises, and he will keep them.  You will not annoy him.  He wants to hear.

"casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." — I Peter 5:7 (ESV) 

Purity Culture and the Modesty Movement

The culture of purity and modesty is something I went for hard when I was a young teen.  You know, the idea that girls should dress modestly so as to avoid making a man lust after them.  That men have a hard enough time with lust, so it is my responsibility as a woman to make sure they can't possibly lust after me.
Verses like:

"Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way." — Romans 14:13 KJV

are quoted frequently in this movement.
I didn't realize just how much that had impacted me, until today when listening to Lies Young Women Believe, and there was a chapter on purity.  And it rubbed me wrong.
I absolutely believe that purity is important, and that waiting for marriage is important, and that being modest is important...but...I'm not necessarily certain that I believe those things (minus waiting for marriage) mean the same thing I hear touted so often in books and blogs.
These thoughts destroyed me as a teen.  It was my responsibility to stay pure.  But some of my most influential moments from a young age were sexual.  And I felt ashamed and dirty, despite that those moments weren't my choices.  It made me feel like my purity had been stolen from me, and there was no way I could be pure now.
Being told that it is my responsibility to dress modestly so that I ensure that my brothers in Christ don't stumble, rubs wrong, when it's been evidenced from my youth that it doesn't matter how I dress, I am a sexual object to many, many young men and adult men that I meet.  Often within the church, no less.
And what does modesty even mean?  Does it mean that I need to be covered head to toe, like a nun?  You know, so guys can only see my face?  Well, you know what?  There's still sexual abuse toward nuns.  Covering their body didn't prevent anyone from lusting after them.
What about dressing the way the denomination I grew up in does?  Long skirts (usually jean skirts), preferably sleeves below the elbows, definitely no cleavage, best keep your hair long, also keep it up, no jewelry, no makeup, if you break these rules you're probably a harlot.  Not going to lie, I heard a woman tell her daughter that if she wore her hair down, she was a harlot.  I don't like that woman.
Well, I assure you that dressing this way doesn't keep men from lusting either.  I was a child in that denomination, dressing in long skirts, wearing my hair long (I wore it down as often as possible, because wearing it up gives me a headache), definitely not showing any cleavage...and I can think of three males (two older teens, one grown man), from this denomination and modesty standards, right off the top of my head, no effort put into my thinking, who sexualized me.  These three men all sexualized me while I was between the ages of 6-17.  My clothing made no difference to them.  If I stop and think, more will come to mind.
Of the males (not all were men, some were teens) who sexualized me or pressured me, most of them were church goers, whether from this denomination or not.  Some were pastor's sons, some even gave a sermon once or twice in their church.  One in particular was a Bible college student who had just given us our Sunday school lesson.
Please, don't ask me what I was wearing.
Because I'll tell you.  I was dressed modestly, especially when growing up in the denomination I grew up in.  Long skirts.  High collar shirts.  I went through a period of time where all I wore was turtlenecks.  No clue why.  I also had a period where all I wore was baggy t-shirts.  As a six year old, I wore homemade dresses, long, with high collars, some with long sleeves, some with t-shirt sleeves.  I did not ask for the sexual attentions of the people who gave them to me.
This is not me blaming people, or trying to make people feel sorry for me.  I'm trying to show you that what I wore did not matter, and it doesn't matter.  When it comes to sexual assault, or harassment, molestation or rape, the clothing worn by the victim does not matter.
And what about the many guys I know who have been victims of this kind of unwanted sexual attention?  Of the ones I know, either I don't know who abused them, or most of them were assaulted/abused/given sexual attention by other men, sometimes cousins or fathers.  Why don't you hear about them?  Was it their clothes?  Were their clothes the problem, too?  Were they not dressing in a way to help keep men from lusting after them?
The problem is, when you tell a girl that she needs to dress modestly because she needs to help keep a man from lusting after her, is that you are telling her that men are sex crazed monsters, who see a woman and immediately start drooling.  You are telling her that they have no self-control, so she has to try to compensate for their lack of self control.
You render verses like II Timothy 1:7, and Matthew 5:29 meaningless.

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." — II Timothy 1:7 (ESV)

"And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell." — Matthew 5:29 (KJV)

God literally gives his people (men and women) a spirit of self-control.  He specifically tells people that if their eyes cause them to sin, to pluck them out.  Was that an exaggeration?  Yes, probably.  But think about it...would you rather be blind, or would you rather go to hell?  If what you see causes you to sin so much that you can't control it, you probably should take the verse literally.
Oh, and the afore mentioned verse?  The one from Romans?  About being a stumbling block?  That was referring to Christians who had differing views on things like what should be consumed, and what holidays should be celebrated.  It was saying that it's okay if you have differing views, but don't try to make someone do something that they believe in their conscience they should not do.
I completely believe that people should be modest (not just women).  But I'm skeptical as to what modest means.
I've met a woman in jeans and t-shirts, whose hair is cut short, who took me into their home, loved on me, held me as I cried through a break up.  But there's also the woman wearing an almost 1800s style dress, her hair in a tight bun, who told her daughter she was a harlot if she wore her hair down.
Who was more modest?
Well, are we talking physical modesty?  The one most covered up?
I suppose the woman covered almost head to toe with her hair in a tight bun was more physically modest.
But who was more godly?  Who had more spiritual modesty?
Definitely the women wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
Look up the definition of modest in the dictionary.  It doesn't go on about clothing.  It talks about attitude.  Modesty is an attitude, not clothing.  It's just not.
Should we go out of our way to dress all sexy to make guys look at our bodies?  Uh, no, that doesn't sound like a good idea at all.  But if we have a modest attitude, and if we are following God and doing what we know to do to please him, that is what is required of us.
If you feel strongly about your clothing, or you question if you should wear (insert article of clothing here) pray about it.  God will let you know if it's an acceptable item of clothing for you to wear or not.

James 1:5 (ESV)
"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him."

If you feel strongly about someone else's clothing, pray about that too.  Probably one of three things will happen.  You'll either 1) Realize that what they are wearing is acceptable for them to wear, 2) Feel led by God to calmly, with gentleness, patience and love, talk with them about their clothes and what about their clothing bothers you, or 3) They will feel led by the Spirit, all on their own, and make the necessary changes to their wardrobe.
I hate the purity culture, and the modesty movement.  I really do.  I think purity and modesty are beautiful things and necessary and important, but I think that the way they're portrayed in these movements is awful.
Instead of saying how shameful it is to even think about sex, maybe we should start talking about the beauty of sex within marriage, how that is something to look forward to, how there is beauty and forgiveness and renewal if you do mess up.
What about we talk about the unnecessary shame that many victims of sexual abuse/assault/etc. feel?  What about we talk about how the God we serve isn't one of shame, but one of love?  Why do we not talk about these things?
Please please please, can we get rid of the story where a man passes a rose around the room and when it comes back to him, he say that's a woman who has slept around, and who would ever want her?  Sure, he follows it up with saying that Jesus wants that rose...but what about the girl who leaves the room in tears before he ever gets to that part?  Why don't we start with the story of love?
And it's not that I want men and boys to be assaulted with the same kinds of things that make us women feel worthless, but why don't we hold men accountable?  Why don't we expel both the mother and the father of a child conceived by two people at a Christian school?  Why is it only the mother who is kicked out?  True story, unfortunately.  And I'm sure it's not an isolated one.
God is love!  He is forgiveness, and grace, and mercy!  He is peace, and all manner of beautiful things.  Why do we paint him as an angry God who wants to control people, like puppets?  He made us all different!  He made us different for a reason!  He gave us different gifts and responsibilities within his church (read Romans 12 if you don't believe me).
Guys!  God is fantastic!  He gives me a peace I never thought I could experience.  He takes away my shame!  Shame from sins I've committed, and shame from things committed against me.  The modesty and purity movement that I've experienced seems rooted in shame.
One of my friends told me something this summer, something I named this blog for.  Something I believe wholeheartedly.
"My God is a God of love, not shame."

“They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed.” — Psalm 34:5 (KJV)

Introduction

Hello!
This blog, Love, Not Shame, is designed to show others, Christian and non-Christian, that God is a God of love, not of shame.  Beyond that, it is also intended to encourage others to turn to God and lean on him wholeheartedly, relying on him and his word to determine how they should behave as Christians—not using other Christians as their example.
I, Katie, will be talking about all sorts of things in these posts.  I'm young (22), and frankly, the older I get, the less I know, but God has given me a story, and the ability to type and write, and format my thoughts into a text form...it would be a waste not to at least try.
I'm not perfect.  And my initial thought when I thought about writing "Love, Not Shame," was going to be an autobiography.  I'm not sure why I've been compelled to start this blog.  Whatever I say here, please read the Bible for yourself to come to your own conclusion.  But do read the Bible to come to your conclusion, don't just go with what others tell you.
A lot of my posts will probably touch on mental health, or sexual abuse, two of my biggest passions.  I may also share some of my notes from Bible Studies and sermons that I listen to or attend.  I'm going to do my best to make my posts follow God's will.
It's scary to do God's will sometimes.  I've messed up.  A lot.  And sometimes I feel imposter syndrome creeping up.  Like I have no right to try to reach out to others for Christ, because I've messed up so much, myself.  I get angry, and sometimes in my anger I do sin, which is the opposite of what a Christian is supposed to do.  As I go on in this blog, I'm sure that I'll share more about my life, and my mistakes and all that...but right now, I'm not sure I'm ready.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that one of the most influential people for God's kingdom (Paul) used to murder the very people he began ministering to.  The story of Saul to Paul is an amazing story of how God can redeem even the worst of people.  He loves everyone and his grace extends to, again everyone!  (Saul to Paul can be found in Acts 9, and if you don't have a Bible, one of my favorite websites and apps is Bible Gateway)
I tried to pour some symbolism into this blog, as well.  For some of you who may know me outside of this blog, and haven't just stumbled across it, you know that I'm also an author.  I love symbolism.  I love when names mean things (sometimes I don't even realize the meaning until I've written the book).  I love slipping little jokes in, or naming things literally, by using other names for them.  So it makes sense that I would want some symbolism in this blog, too.
The white background is because in the Bible, white symbolizes purity and victory.  We are called to be pure, like Christ.  And if we seek to be like him, and we succeed, through his help, we will be victorious and reign with Jesus.  The green font for certain things symbolizes newness.  God is making all things new.  He makes us new.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.[a] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." — II Corinthians 5:17

And the font is just because I like the Lora font.  I'm not sure why I like it so much.  That is one area where there is no symbolism.  I just like it.
The name of the blog comes from something a friend told me near the end of this summer, when I was struggling immensely.  We had just finished watching something on Netflix, and it had touched on shame.  Something that I've struggled with my whole life.  Some of the shame came from my own actions.  Some of it was placed on me by people who should have protected me.  I spent a good hour crying, as I told him about how rough this summer had been.  And he hugged me, and talked with me, and finally, one of the big things he told me was this:
"My God is a God of love, not shame."
And it's true.  God isn't a God who wants you to live in shame.  Shame is bondage!  He came to free us from our chains!  Why would he put us in more bondage?  Uh, he wouldn't, that's why.  He wants you to live free, in truth, in love.  If you've asked God for forgiveness, and are seeking to live a life for him, you have no reason to even feel guilt.  Sometimes you have to forgive yourself.  And that's what I had to learn at the end of this summer.
My goals are to help show you God's love and truth, and to make you think.  If God is able to use me to do that, then my job on this blog has been done well.

Love,
Katie