Wake Up!

 I like to spend a lot of time on my blog talking about God's love.  I think it's important for those who once lived lives of sin to know that God doesn't hold their past against them, and reminding other Christians that we shouldn't either.  It's the truth, and is often preached, but isn't always lived.

God's love is important.  I want everyone to know of it, but even more, I want everyone to actually know it.  It's a good topic to talk on.

But right now, I am sad, and angry.  I think the fancy word for that is grieved.  I think I've talked a bit about this before, but I feel like it needs brought up again.

The church in America is asleep at best and dead at worst.  The church in America has a tendency to be lukewarm.  God hates lukewarm.  As he told the church of Laodicea:

"But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" — Revelation 3:16 NLT

 Over 50% of people in the United States say that they are Christians (source).  There are 328.2 million people in the US.  Even 50% is almost 200 million people.  Almost 200 million people say that they are Christians.

And you have the nerve to tell me that there is still so much evil in America?  And it's getting worse?  Wake up already.  You sit in your pews and sometimes you might give, and sometimes, sometimes you don't even go to church, you sit at home and watch an online service (understandable in certain circumstances), or you even just sleep in on Sunday, because, well, God knows you're a good person after all.  But you don't even know the God you claim to serve!

You can list more Pokémon than you can quote Bible verses!  And no, this isn't a dig at Pokémon, I love Pokémon.  You can list more Disney characters than people from the Bible (another fandom I enjoy)!  You can retell every episode of your favorite TV show, but you don't even know the story of Jael (Judges 4, if you're interested)!

No, being a Christian isn't all about knowing about God, but when you know more about the things in the world than you do about the God you claim to love and serve, the one who isn't gonna let you go to hell because you're a "good person...."  Honey, you done screwed up.

No, God doesn't want you to go to hell.  He straight up says that he doesn't want anyone to be destroyed.

"The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent." — II Peter 3:9 NLT

But you have to repent.  And if you're living your life all lukewarm, like the church in Laodicea mentioned in Revelation, you're screwed.  And you screwed yourself over, God didn't do that to you.

"You say, ‘I am rich. I have everything I want. I don’t need a thing!’ And you don’t realize that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked." — Revelation 3:17 NLT

This is what God said to the church of Laodicea, and we are blind in America if we think God isn't saying this to us.

Like I pointed out in my post Stop. Praying., if we, as the church, actually followed what our God asked us to do, and speak up for those who can't speak up for themselves (Proverbs 31:8-9), took care of the abundant amount of widows and fatherless in our country (James 1:27), gave to those who had need (Luke 12:33), and just generally loved others as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39), we wouldn't have all the issues that we're having.

There would be decent people in office, because the over 50% of Christians would get out there and vote in decent humans, who truly care about helping others.  The over 50% of Christians would stand up and ask God to use them and to put them in positions where they can be the ones voted in to help others.  If every single one of the over 50% of people who say that they're Christians truly knew the God I know, and truly cared about doing his will, then we could be over here moving mountains.

Wake up!  Please!  I'm begging you!  Wake up!  Do what God has asked you to do, live the life he's asked you to live!  It's not easy.  I promise you that right now.  If it were easy, I wouldn't be writing this blog post with tears in my eyes, nervous to even post it because I'm afraid of the backlash.  But it is good.  It is rewarding.

When you allow God to love others through you, it's incredible the changes you can see in a person.  It's amazing to see his love change others.  It's amazing to see his love change you as you let him work through you.

Please...wake up.

God's message to the church of Laodicea didn't end by him calling them lukewarm and arrogant and saying he was going to spit them out and be done with them.  Because he wasn't done with them.  He didn't write them off, he didn't say, "Welp, y'all are too stupid and I am done.  G'bye!"

This is how he continued his letter to them:

"So I advise you to buy gold from me—gold that has been purified by fire. Then you will be rich. Also buy white garments from me so you will not be shamed by your nakedness, and ointment for your eyes so you will be able to see.  I correct and discipline everyone I love. So be diligent and turn from your indifference." — Revelation 3:18-19

He said, "Come back to me."  He said, "Stop acting like this."  He said, "I will help you see what is right to do and do it."  He said, "I love you.  Act like you love me."

And then he ended his letter like this:

"“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.  Those who are victorious will sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat with my Father on his throne." — Revelation 3:20-21 NLT

 There is hope.  We can still be victorious.  But you have to wake up first.  Please...please...wake up.

"“Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light.” — Ephesians 3:14b NLT

SOAPS

Ahh yes, we love talking about soaps, here on a Christian living/encouragement blog....
So, I recently went on a women's retreat (it was wonderful, I cried almost the whole time), and the set up they had for devotions was a self guided thingy called "SOAP."

S = Scripture
O = Observation
A = Application
P = Prayer

So, to start out, you pray and ask God to direct you to the appropriate scripture.  Then, you, obviously, read said scripture.  For me, things like this work best if I write them down.
For observation, you simply jot down what you observe.  Who is talking to who?  About what?  Why?  What is the context?  Make sure you're reading it in context, too.  Maybe read the first few before and/or the first few after your passage, if you have any doubts.
Application refers to applying it to life today.  Is there an attitude that someone in the scripture had that we should model or avoid?  Is it an instruction given to the church that we should be modeling today?  Is it a reminder of who God is and wants to be in our lives?
And lastly prayer.  Prayer is pretty simple.  You just talk to God.  Ask him what he wants you to glean from this bit of scripture.  Ask him how he wants you to apply it.  And be willing to be quiet and listen to what he may be saying back.  If you ask him to show you something, you must be willing to be shown.

I can hear you now, "But yours says SOAPS, not SOAP!!!"  Yes, yes it does.  That's because I love songs.  They are a huge part of how I worship God.  So, at the end, after I've prayed, I listen to a Christian song.  I looked up a list of them, so that I could spread my wings.  Some of my all time favorite songs to worship to God are:
Start a Fire
Blessed Be Your Name
Trust in You
Everywhere I Go
All The People Said Amen
Be Still My Soul
Arise My Soul Arise (not the best version, oh well)
I Come to the Garden Alone
This is My Father's World

A lot of the time, my application starts looking like a T chart.  I pick apart who the verse is about, and start writing down the words or short phrases that apply to them.  For example, in Psalm 18:1-2, the people were "God" and "I."  Underneath were all of the descriptors or actions of "God" and "I."
Also, sometimes your first scripture can lead to and connect to other scriptures.  Psalm 1 wound up connecting to Galatians 5:22-23, and Psalm 18:1-2 connected to Philippians 4:13.  That's okay.  In fact, I'd say that it's GOOD to be able to draw connections between the passages you've read!

So there ya have it, the SOAPS method (thank you Niqee for introducing me to the unmodified version!).

S = Scripture
O = Observation
A = Application
P = Prayer
S = Song(s) (optional)

My Feelings Are Not My Faith

My church has started putting what they call a "Food 4 Thought" in our Sunday bulletin.  They are typically quotes by Christians, or just other things to get us thinking, and this is one we had awhile back, when we were still meeting in person.

"My feelings are important for many things.  They are essential and valuable.  They keep me aware of much that is true and real.  But they tell me next to nothing about God or my relationship to God.  My security comes from who God is, not from how I feel.  Discipleship is a decision to live by what I know about God, not by what I feel about him or my neighbors." — Eugene H. Peterson

As someone who struggles with my self worth, and fears of abandonment, a lot of the time my feelings are liars.  I have great gut instincts, but I also have anxiety.  As such, when my aunt told me to follow my gut about something earlier, my response was, "I have anxiety, my gut is literally always telling me to abort mission."  I've still not decided what to do in that situation, either.
I grew up in a church that made me feel like my existence was wrong.  Not that I was necessarily doing anything wrong, but that by just existing, I was wrong.  I grew up in shame.  I grew up fearful that God was a father like my earthly father...someone who really didn't want me.
As I got older, it started to weigh on me that God was not a God that I could ever please.  I felt like everything I did was going to upset him.  I felt confused, and unsure of what he even wanted from me.
Between the legalistic strictness of the church I grew up in, my own fears and the way I was treated at the Christian school I attended, God became a big, angry, unloving being.  I could never please him.  He would never truly love me, because I was always screwing up.
And lemme tell you, that was a rough place to be.
But I probably don't have to tell you.
I had a lovely conversation with one of my oldest friends the other day.  I mean oldest in both senses of the word.  I "adopted" a 50 some year old lady when I was 7 years old, and she's been one of my best friends ever since.  But part of that conversation was drenched in tears, as she expressed that she felt the same way I've just been describing.
But my God cannot be a God of shame.  He does not dangle his love over our heads, like an unreachable carrot.

"God is love." — I John 4:8b

God himself is love

Feelings are great.  But they can also tell lies.  Where do lies come from?

"You are of your father the devil...he is a liar and the father of lies." — John 8:44b NLT

Lies are from the devil.  How do we fight these lies?

"...your word is truth." — John 17:17b ESV

With the truth!  Truth is the only way to fight lies!  Truth is incredibly freeing!

"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”" — John 8:32 NLT

And what is the truth?  The truth is...  God loves you.  Jesus died for you, so that you could have a new life.  You are God's most precious treasure, he adores you!  We are his children!  If you stumble or slip, all you have to do is go to him and confess your sins, and he is ready and willing to forgive you!  He gives you strength, so that you can do anything he's called you to do!  And he is not about to leave you.

"“For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." — John 3:16 NLT

 "So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.  Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”" — Romans 8:15 NLT

"But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness." — I John 1:9

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." — Philippians 4:13 NLT

"...be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, “I will never fail you.  I will never abandon you.”" — Hebrews 13:5b NLT

Get yourself a list of promises from the Bible!  Look up the areas you struggle in, and put them in a word document, write them down, commit them to your memory.  When you're struggling, pull up that word document, grab your list, run through those verses in your mind, remind yourself that these feelings?  They are feelings.  It's okay to recognize that you feel this way, but it's even more important to recognize that no matter what your feelings are telling you, God's word is giving you the truth against the lies your feelings are telling you.

What Can I Do?

It was an ordinary Wednesday evening at my house.  I was cleaning up some of my kitchen, trying to get cookies made for a potluck we're doing at work tomorrow, and starting to feel discouraged.  You see, when God handed out gifts, one he did not give me was the ability to keep my kitchen clean.  Then, there was a little whisper.
"How are you supposed to pack everything and move three hours away when you can't even keep your kitchen clean?" (I'll be making a post about it later on, but I've accepted a ministry job offer, and I am so excited to start it, it's just that I'll be moving three hours away)
I started to feel discouraged.  It was right after all.  I can't keep my kitchen clean.  I try, and then I get overwhelmed, or distracted, or I'm at work, and it's difficult to clean a kitchen that is 30 minutes away from you.  In fact, I struggle with keeping my entire house clean.  Especially with a pandemic that makes it so that I don't have to clean for company to come over (company is a huge incentive to clean house for me).
Then...I remembered something.

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." — Philippians 4:13 NLT

If you've seen War Room, you probably remember the scene where the woman went through her entire house, denouncing the devil, telling him that he had no place in her home, or in her life.  You can watch that scene here.
I went on a rampage.  I yelled at Satan and told him that if God has placed it on my heart to move three hours away, where I only have two friends, and to do a difficult job, then God will also give me the strength to do what he's asked me to do.
I told him that he is a liar and the father of lies.

"When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies." — John 8:44b NLT

I told him that the abyss, hell, the lake of fire, was made for him and his angels.  Not for me, not for anyone in the town I'm living in, and not for anyone in the town I'm moving to.  That God has asked me to be his hands and feet and spread the good news, and that he can't stop me, and that there are people he will not be allowed to have, because I am determined to share God with them.

"Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:" — Matthew 25:41 KJV

 I informed him that I can do everything through Christ.  And everything means everything.  I can do something little, like getting my kitchen cleaned, something bigger like packing up and moving three hours away where I only have two friends, and, if it ever comes down to it, something huge, like allowing someone to kill me rather than renouncing the name of Jesus.
Everything means everything.
I also told Satan that he doesn't belong in my house, and he definitely doesn't belong whispering things in my mind.  I told him that I know he hates having scripture quoted at him, but that maybe he should have just not tried whispering lies into my mind.  I told him that I know how weak I am, and how scared and nervous I am of moving away from my friends, my family, and my church family.  And that it's okay, because God's strength is perfect in my weakness.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." — II Corinthians 12:9 ESV

I screamed at him.  I yelled at him.  I told him that he didn't belong here.  Because he doesn't.  He doesn't belong in my house, whispering things into my mind trying to make me doubt not only myself, but God.  God told me to fill out the job application, God gave me the job, and God is moving me and will provide a place to live when I get there.  God promises to take care of me.  He knows my needs before I ask!

"Don’t be like them, for your Father knows exactly what you need even before you ask him!" — Matthew 6:8 NLT

"And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." — Philippians 4:19 NLT

 Guys!  If God calls you to do something, if he brings you to a ministry, to a crossroads, and it's something that he wants you to do, you can do it.  Christ is giving you strength!  Do you remember what his strength accomplished?  He raised the dead to life.  He healed the blind and the lame, he cleansed people of leprosy, multiplied five loaves and two fish to the point that not only was everyone fed, but there were several baskets left over!!!  AND HE IS GIVING YOU STRENGTH!!!  Is that not incredible?!
You can do everything through Christ who gives you strength!  Everything!  From the small, to the large, and everything in between!  There are verses about how our faith can move mountains!  I've been to Colorado only twice, but I would like to tell you that the mountains are a wee bit big.
I do have to throw a wrench in this and say that if it's not God's will, no amount of wishing will make it so.  The II Corinthians verse earlier in this post was after Paul had repeatedly asked God to please remove this thorn in the flesh.  He had faith.  But God told him that he worked best through Paul's weakness, and that no, he would not remove his thorn.
But that's a whole different topic, for a whole different post.
Guys, I'm over here scared to move a measly three hours away, doubting my capabilities because of a messy kitchen.  But I can do it.  It's what God's asked me to do, and he isn't going to bring me to this crossroads, then leave me high and dry.  I can do everything, through Christ who gives me strength, because his spirit lives in me.

"The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. " — Romans 8:11a NLT

Stop. Praying.

Alright, that was more than a little click-baity, coming from me, and obviously I'm not encouraging you not to pray, because that would violate I Thessalonians 5:17.

"Never stop praying." — I Thessalonians 5:17 NLT

Please pray.  Pray is our greatest weapon.  Unfortunately, often, it's also our greatest copout.
I'm in several groups on Facebook, and in one of them we have daily discussions and questions and polls.  One of the questions was, "If you're nonreligious, do you get offended when people say they're praying for you?"  Unfortunately, the answer was often, "Yes, because they say that instead of actually offering help and support."
And sadly...they're right.
I'm wonderfully blessed to be part of a church that is constantly giving their time and resources.  They show fruit and shine God's light.  I've also been in churches where those who desperately needed help were ignored or even helped by members of a different church.  Churches where they'll pray for you all day long, but when you need help, you're on your own.
That's the exact opposite of what we, as Christians, are to do.

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." — James 1:27 NLT

Who are the orphans and widows?  Obviously we do have widows and orphans.  Kiddos in the foster care system (over 400K of them), single mothers, and children in single parent homes (over 24 MILLION).  Care for them!  I would have killed (slight exaggeration) to have a father figure who didn't leave or abuse me as a child, who would take me to father/daughter dances and just been a safe adult man that I could have had a close friendship with.
It doesn't take much.  Sometimes all that's needed is a listening ear.  Sometimes what's needed is someone to mow the yard.  Sometimes it's just an extra hug, or financial aid.  Sometimes that may mean opening up your home to foster children (a couple in my church is setting up and planning to adopt through the foster care...TWENTY kids, not just one).

"A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." — Matthew 22:39 NLT

When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, he said to love God, and that this was the second greatest commandment.  Loving others.  Not just loving others, but loving them as yourself.
As someone who has struggled with mental illness, I'm gonna be honest, I don't always love myself, and sometimes I don't take care of myself.  But I always make sure that I have food available to eat, even if I don't feel like eating, I always make sure that I have my utilities on, I always make sure that my cat has food, I always make sure that I have plenty of enjoyable activities like art and video games.  That's how I love myself and take care of myself.
Likewise, I should make sure that my friends, family, neighbors, strangers, those around me who I have the opportunity to help have those things.  If I can help, I should.  Not just sit here and go, "Oh, God, my friend Annabelle doesn't have food in her cupboard, please provide her some food!" then go buy myself some Taco Bell.
I shouldn't sit here and go, "Oh, God, my friend Ronald is sad and lonely, and needs someone to remind him of your love, please send him someone to tell him that you love him!" then scroll by.
I shouldn't drive past the beggar on the side of the road and go, "Oh, God, first of all I bet he's a drunk and so I won't give him money, but good grief give him some help!" when I have some money I can give.

"Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow." — Matthew 5:42 NLT

Furthermore, we are told specifically to give to anyone who asks.  Anyone.  Unless you honestly feel GOD himself pressing you not to give, then you need to give.  I need to give.  What they do with the money you give is between them and God.  If they are not a good steward of what God gives them through you, that is a them problem.  What is a you problem is when you refuse to give, due to your own biases.

"Sell your possessions and give to those in need. This will store up treasure for you in heaven!" — Luke 12:33a NLT

Reading this verse in the full context, it's referring to not worrying about your daily needs because God already knows your needs and will take care of you.
I, personally, can attest to this.  I don't make a lot of money.  I make the opposite of a lot of money.  However, since I've moved out on my own, I haven't had anything shut off.  Not the super important utilities, to the less important Netflix.  God has taken care of me.  When I've needed help, it's come.  Sometimes without even asking anyone other than God.

"And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’" Matthew 25:40 NLT

He's Gone

I am writing this from a place of grief.  There are many directions this post can go, because there are so many emotions that come from this.
I wrote awhile back about my missing kitty.  You can read that post here.  He isn't missing anymore.  But he's gone.  Thursday, I found his body.  He had hidden himself deep in a closet under a bunch of things so we couldn't find him.  I think he knew how much it would destroy me to find his body, so tried to hide from me.
I am aware that we're in the middle of a pandemic...but, I admit that it was the furthest thing from my mind when I saw his tail.  I couldn't even move anything else to get him out.  I called my mom, who came and got him out for me.  She gave me his collar and said that she and my stepdad would take care of the wood for a coffin.  He was a special cat.  He deserves more than a hole in the ground and a blanket.  I said I wished that I had the money to cremate him.
She took him home with her so that they could measure him for the coffin, then texted me a bit later to let me know that they would foot the bill to have him cremated.  We took him into the vet today to be cremated.  I don't have him home yet.
Thursday I cried for about 6 hours straight before I ran out of tears and gave myself a massive headache.  I've been crying on and off for about 4 or 5 hours now, and it's almost bedtime.
Poro was a good cat.  He was a special cat.  I know I'm biased because he was mine, but I've never met (heard of, yes, but never met) another cat who would sit on command.  I've never met another cat who could climb up a tree and come down with a bird.  He purred so loudly.  He loved to walk on my spleen.  He loved me and my mom, but if a stranger came over, he would stare at them wide-eyed before running upstairs and hiding.  If you met him, and if he let you pet him, you are a special human.
You might think that I'm stupid, or at the very least acting stupid for being so distraught about this.  "He's just a cat."  But he wasn't.  He was my baby.  I would have braved a snake for him.  I tried to leave him at my parents when I moved, so that he could still go outside, because he loved outside.  But this house wasn't a home until I had my Poro.  I'm brokenhearted.  I'll probably be crying for several more days.
And this is about the time, where if you remember that this isn't a personal blog, you start asking what this has to do with God and his love.
Because God cares!  He cares that I can barely see the words I'm typing because I am crying again.  He cares that I lost my baby.  He cares, even though my baby was a cat.  He is here with me, for me, near me.  He loves me, and he loves Poro.

"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds." — Psalm 147:3 NLT

There are no limits to the reasons for having the broken heart.  If you're broken hearted, he's there.

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” — I Peter 5:7 NLT

He cares because I care.  He wants to hear that I am sad.  He wants to hear that I am brokenhearted.  He wants to hear that I miss my baby.  Because he cares about me.

"What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it." — Matthew 10:29 NLT

God knows when the sparrows fall to the ground.  He knows when they die.  He cares about them.  And Poro is bigger than a sparrow.  Poro would eat the sparrow that fell to the ground...in fact, he would be the reason the sparrow fell to the ground.  And God cares about him, too.

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." — Matthew 11:28 NLT

I can go to him for rest, because this is a burden.  Grieving is exhausting, and it takes time.  A lot more time than I wish.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”" — Revelation 21:4 NLT

 I've been crying a lot lately.  I messaged my friend and said, "Hello, my name is Katie and I am a water fountain."  God is going to wipe those tears away from my eyes.  There's no more crying because of things like this.  There's no more death.  There's no more sorrow, or pain of loss.
I don't know if Poro will be in heaven.  Some people say no, some people say yes, some people say that the pets of the saints will be there, and I so very hope that they are, because the thought of never being able to hold my Poro again makes me start crying all over again.  Besides, none of the animals ever did anything wrong to be subjected to the curse.  It was mankind's fault.
I am hurting right now.  Not everyone understands.  They don't have to.  But, I also know that it's okay for me to mourn.

"A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance." — Ecclesiastes 3:4 NLT

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." — Matthew 5:4 KJV

Through this suffering, I am not alone.  I have friends who have done everything from give me space, to send me pictures of bunnies without expectation of reply, to listen to me talk about what a good boy Poro was.  And when I'm all alone in my house crying, there is a God, my father...my daddy, who hears me cry, and wraps me in his arms and gives me peaceful sleep and comfort.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort." — II Corinthians 1:3

(Poro, laying on my blanket, being cute and sweet)

Shame

Shame.  What is shame?
According to the dictionary on Google, shame is:

"a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior."

Pain.  Humiliation.  Distress.  Yuck.  Those words make me think of feelings that...aren't enjoyable.  Along with them come fear, and anger.  It makes me want to isolate myself from everyone else, because if I don't isolate myself, I fear that I'll lash out.
We all have a different relationship with shame.  Maybe when you feel ashamed it makes you want to just ignore the shame and do everything regardless.  Maybe when you feel shame, you begin blaming everyone else for your pain and distress.  Maybe you get mean.  Maybe you just shut down.  I don't know, God has made us all weirdly and beautifully unique, even down to our reactions to the same type of stimuli.
Shame is, unfortunately, a part of life.  If you don't dress right, don't talk right, if your family has the wrong last name, if you've been abused, if you grew up poor, etc.  Sometimes others make us feel shamed, sometimes we make ourselves feel shamed.  It's an awful feeling.
And it doesn't belong in the church.
I was talking to my mom and a friend earlier, and I realized that the church tends to have this love affair with shame.  We call ourselves sinners, even though we've been saved by grace, adopted into God's family, and made new.  We refuse to forgive ourselves and others for sins that God has already long since forgiven.  This is something that was actually brought up at church this Sunday.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith." — Ephesians 2:8a ESV

" Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."  — II Corinthians 5:17 ESV

I didn't realize until August 2019 that I was still holding shame over things that I did years ago.  God had forgiven me, why hadn't I forgiven me?  Not only that, but I held onto shame over things that others did against me, that I had no control over.  And why?  Isn't that ridiculous?
Yes, it is.  Shame is a lie.  A stupid lie that we buy into again and again.  And lies come from the devil, who should not be trusted.

"...he is a liar and the father of lies." — John 8:44b NLT

When we buy into the lie of shame, it weakens us.  We become afraid, and timid.  We become so wrapped up in our shame of being sinners that we become afraid to approach our father.  We allow ourselves to continue feeling condemned for things that Jesus already paid the price for!

"So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." — Romans 8:1 NLT

When we buy into the lie of shame, we allow ourselves to become controlled by our fear.  Not just controlled by our fear, but slaves to our fear.  God doesn't want us to live in bondage.  He adopted us, made us his children.

"So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”" — Romans 8:15 NLT

God wants us to be his children, not his slaves.  And we make ourselves slaves when we have an affair with shame.  When we refuse the Devil's lie of shame, and rely on the grace of our Heavenly Father, we are able to come before God boldly with our needs.

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." — Hebrews 4:16 NLT

But...shame is so easy to hold onto...it's strong.  It's a thick smog.  How do you get rid of it?

"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” — John 8:32 NLT

Shame is a lie.  The only way to battle a lie is with the truth.  We must rely on the truths already shared here.  Romans 8:15, Romans 8:1 (honestly the whole chapter of Romans 8 is fantastic), Hebrews 4:16, Ephesians 2:8,  II Corinthians 5:17,  II Timothy 1:7, Romans 8:38-39, so, so, so many verses.
Look up verses on love, forgiveness and mercy.  Those are things that are true and are the things we should focus our mind on, not the lies of the devil trying to cancel our boldness, freedom and salvation.

"Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." — Psalm 34:5 NLT

The Missing Kitty

Those of you who know me in person know that I'm a crazy cat lady in training.  I only have two cats, but I'm trying to get a head start on the crazy.  I love my cats more than I love most humans (this is mostly a joke), and if I ever become so poor that it's me or my cats getting food, I'm gonna get them something first.
I love my cats.  I could tell you loads about them.  About how Tabitha was a girl, but apparently he was just a late bloomer, and by the time I found out that he was a boy it was too late to change his name.  About how I accidentally trained Poro to sit on command.  I could whisper to you that I love Poro better (I love him different) than Tabitha and that he is my most special baby (kinda true).
But this isn't about that.
Poro is missing.  He got out Monday night, and I noticed his actual absence on Tuesday.  He's a shy, independent loner cat, so I figured he was just hanging out on his own Monday night.  But Tuesday when I got back from dental surgery (that's another story), I couldn't find him.
I looked through the entire house.  I looked in his favorite spots, on my bed, places he rarely goes, in every window, under the beds.  He was gone.  He's still missing.  Eventually, I realized that he probably got out Monday and I didn't notice because it was dark, and he's a mostly black cat.
I've had him for about 5-6 years.  He's my baby.  I love that cat so much.  He took my last bit of money last month because I discovered that he had worms.  He completely clawed me up as I tried to get two pills down his throat.  He continued to claw me up as he got a bath because he peed in the carrier on the way to the vet and it got all over him.
And that didn't change my love for him.
He's been gone almost a week and I miss him even more now than I did Tuesday when I realized he was gone.  If I knew where to look, I'd be looking.  I'm pretty sure he went out in the country area though...but that's not my property, and I'm not allowed back there.
I've prayed so many times for him to come home safe and sound.  I've begged God to please bring my baby home, because I miss him, and even Tabitha is getting extra clingy and misses him.  He's a quiet, independent loner boy, but his absence fills the house.
And then I had a thought.
Poro is my 1 in the 99.  The one that I want to come back to me.
Jesus told a story of a shepherd who had one sheep who strayed.  The shepherd left his 99 other sheep behind to go find and rescue his lost lamb.  When he found it, he carried it home on his shoulders, rejoicing all the way home, and when he got to his friends, he told his friends to rejoice with him.

"So Jesus told them this story: “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders.  When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’ In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away!" — Luke 15:3-7 NLT

 And then I had another thought.
I'm over here praying several times a day, almost in tears, over my lost kitty.  I know that God cares about my kitty, because he cares about the sparrows, and my kitty is bigger than a sparrow.  I know he cares about my kitty because I care about my kitty and he cares about me.

"What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it." — Matthew 10:29 NLT

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." — I Peter 5:7 NLT

He knows where my Poro cat is, and he cares because I care.  But do you know what he cares about more?  The souls of my friends and family who don't know him, who haven't been redeemed and adopted by him, who don't have the same peace that I do.

"This is good and pleases God our Savior, who wants everyone to be saved and to understand the truth." — I Timothy 2:3-4 NLT

And do you know how often I pray for them?  It's not that I don't pray for them.  I do.  Usually once a day at a prayer time that my family has come together and decided is our family prayer time, despite us all living far away from each other.
But I only pray for them maybe once a day.  Sometimes more if I'm thinking about them.  Guys, Poro means the world to me.  I adore him and I love him and I miss him and I just want to hug him again.  But the humans in my life matter more.
It's not fun to realize that you're wrong.  It's even less fun to admit that you're wrong.  But I was wrong.  It's not wrong for me to pray for Poro to come home...but I should be praying as fervently for my friends and family to "come home."
I'm not going to say that I'm now magically amazing at praying for the humans in my life to be saved.  I'm not.  But now I'm aware that I have a problem, and I plan to make an effort to fix it.  My prayers have power...I should make use of it.

"The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." — James 5:16b

I Love Him, Because He Loves Me

I recently saw a couple of my Facebook friends share this post:



And I'm gonna tell you...part of me was like, "Yes, I want to post this."  But after that initial thought, the friends who flashed across my mind were people who would snort or roll their eyes at a post like this.  Shrug, say that they're good people (and honestly, for the most part I'd agree), that if Jesus loves them, he's not going to send them to hell, because they are good people.
Basically...if this were my last post, and that's what I said...I'd still have done no good.
My hope is that my last post on Facebook, on this blog, on any of my social media, does not tell someone that I want them to follow Jesus, but to show them why I do follow him.
People don't respond well to being told what to do.  At least I don't, and I'm pretty sure I'm a people.  People respond better when they are shown by example.  At least that's true of me, and again, I am pretty sure I'm a people.  However, I could be a cleverly disguised beaver in a trench coat.  Who knows at this point?
So, instead of telling you that I hope you'll follow Jesus and that he loves you...I'm going to tell you why I follow Jesus/God, and how I know that he loves me.

1. I follow Jesus and love him, because he loves me.

"We love because he first loved us." — I John 4:19 ESV

I know that God loves me.  Because no matter what I've done, he's never let go of me.  I'm not perfect, I'm not an angel, and unlike what one of my friends has called me since they've met me...I am not innocent.
I know that God loves me, because in my darkest hours, when I've cried out for a friend, he has provided.  He provided Alex when I was on the verge of giving up my faith, he provided Xander when I was drowning in shame for things I'd long since been forgiven of, and even tonight, he provided Marina when I felt afraid, and as though all my friends and family were going to abandon me.  All three of the people I listed by name were answers to prayers.
When I met Alex, I was the lowest in my faith that I had ever been.  I was barely reading my Bible, I had given up tithing.  My prayers were cries to God, telling him that I wanted to be a good Christian, but I felt helpless, was worn out, and giving up.  Meeting Alex is the best thing that has ever happened for my faith, because I began attending my church, and found the first church family I have ever had in my entire life at 18 years old.
When Xander came, I was at an extremely low point.  I had been making extremely poor decisions, both personally and especially for my faith.  I had confessed this to God, to my pastor and his wife, and these were not decisions I was making any longer, but I was still so ashamed of where I'd been, and had other external factors pressing on me, and hurting me, that I didn't see how I could move forward.  Xander came to visit, and gave me the name for this blog—without knowing or realizing it—when he reminded me that God is a God of love, not a God of shame.  He was an encouragement I desperately needed.
And tonight...Marina, she was an answer to pray for God to give me a friend so that I would know I wasn't alone and abandoned.  My depression and anxiety have had me crying almost every day for the past 7 days.  Maybe longer.  They've had me struggling and panicking for the past 2-3 weeks.  February/March tend to be rough months for my mental health.  I've been feeling alone.
Marina is a good friend from church.  We don't spend much time together outside of church, because between work and illness, and just general exhaustion, if one of us is good to go, the other just wants to lay on the couch and stop existing for 3 hours (nap, I mean nap, we want to nap).  She saw me crying at church yesterday (I started writing this on a Monday and it's been saved in my drafts ever since), because yes, I go to church even if I'm a royal mess, because I need to be with my family and no one ever makes me feel ashamed for crying at church.  She messaged me this morning telling me that she was thinking about me, praying for me, and offered up Minecraft as an activity we could do together, just so I could get my mind off of stuff.
So...I went.  Played Minecraft.  And...between Minecraft, pizza, lighthearted conversations, and deep conversations...that was what I needed.  A friend.
There are many reasons why I love Jesus, and I hope to make this into a series showcasing some of the reasons why I love and follow Jesus.
But honestly, the biggest reason that I love and follow Jesus is because when I finally learned that he was a God of love, not a God who I had to twist myself into a knot just to please so that he wouldn't get mad at me and leave...I finally knew what love was.  Or, I thought I did.  I am still learning what love is.  Because I'm still learning more and more about God, and God is love.

"God is love." — I John 4:8 ESV

I love and follow Jesus...because I know he loves me.

The Greatest Valentine

I can already see some of you rolling your eyes, thinking that I'm just going to do the cheesy, "Jesus is my Valentine, hehehe!"  Well.  I don't know if you're right or not, I just know that my God is love, and that I am excited about him.
Some of you may know, but I'm sure that most of you don't, I was baptized for the first time on Valentine's Day 4 years ago.  Despite being in church for 18 years (my whole life), I had never been baptized, nor had I ever really heard or understood that you are supposed to be baptized after you're saved.
Being that I was in church for my entire life, I honestly can't tell you exactly when I actually became a Christian myself.  I decided to say the prayer, by myself, on my toy chest, when I was 3 or 4, because I knew that that was what you were supposed to do.  I didn't really hit what most would call the age of accountability until I was around 9.
It doesn't make sense that I would grow up attending church, yet never be baptized or even see a reason, especially considering verses such as this one:

"Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit." — Matthew 28:19 NLT

That is...well, that appears to be an order from Jesus himself.  And I feel that it is pretty important that we obey the instructions given to us from the guy who gave up his life for us.
However, the church I grew up in...baptism is not a thing.  You will never see a baptismal in a Bible Holiness church.  Nor will you ever take communion in a Bible Holiness church (that's another can of worms for another post).  Those are things that have been disregarded as good, but optional...or even things that Jesus didn't intend for us, the people living today, to follow.  I disagree.
I don't think that baptism is what gives us our salvation.  This verse seems to indicate that baptism is not what condemns us or saves us:

"Anyone who believes and is baptized will be saved. But anyone who refuses to believe will be condemned." — Mark 16:16 NLT

From what I understand, it's the lack of belief that leads to condemnation...but yet, if baptism wasn't important, why would it be listed in there with the instruction to believe and be saved?  So...not what saves us, but still important.  It is obedience, which God prefers to anything else we could offer.

"Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission is better than offering the fat of rams." — I Samuel 15:22b NLT

We are baptized for the forgiveness of our sins, and so that we will receive the Holy Spirit!  These are good reasons to be baptized!

"Peter replied, “Each of you must repent of your sins and turn to God, and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. Then you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." — Acts 2:38 NLT

When we are baptized, it's us dying and being raised up to have a new life!

"For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives." — Romans 6:4 NLT

Why would we not want to be baptized?

"What are you waiting for? Get up and be baptized. Have your sins washed away by calling on the name of the Lord.’" — Acts 22:16 NLT

 February 14, 2016 was one of the best Valentine's Days I've ever had...and I have actually done cheesy romantic stuff for Valentine's Day, too.  But lemme just tell you...the person that I gave myself to on February 14, 2016 is never going to leave me or stop loving me.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." — Romans 8:38-39 NLT

Wanna know what my ex did?  Well.  Considering I said my ex, and not my boyfriend, fiancé, or husband, I think it's pretty clear.  He stopped loving me.  He hurt me.  He mistreated me, and made me feel worthless.
God's love has comforted me more times than I can even count.  Knowing that he loves me, even when I'm going through a rough patch has kept me going more than once.  He is truly the best valentine I have ever had, or could ever have.  My God is love.

"God is love." — I John 4:8b NLT 

So, if you're looking for a valentine this year, or any year, I don't know when you're reading this post, God is a pretty great one.  He's never let me down, even though, honestly, most if not all of the humans in my life have let me down at least once or twice...some more often than that.
Happy Valentine's Day guys ♥

The Lord Will Take Me Up

Some of you who know me personally know that I had an interesting summer.  A lot happened, but among the things that happened, I lost one of my friends.  They didn't die, but they stopped being my friend.
Unfortunately, the friend I lost was my stepdad.  I've never had a good relationship with my biological father, and he's been gone for 18 years, so chances of ever gaining a good relationship with him are...well...impossible on this earth.  And sadly, due to his lifestyle, probably in heaven as well.
When I lost him as my friend, it broke my heart.  In this situation, I had done nothing wrong, and I say that with full confidence.  I am the one who was wronged.  And I spent the better part of the summer trying to mend the relationship before I had to back out and protect myself.
There were a lot of questions...mostly pinning his hurtful behavior onto myself, blaming myself.  I wanted to know why I still didn't deserve to have a loving father.  I wanted to know what I did wrong.  I wanted to know why things like this always seem happen with the men in my life, even (sometimes especially) the men in the church.
One day I sat at work, having a particularly rough day, fighting tears.  I just wanted to be loved.  I wanted my parents, my mom and my stepdad.  And I felt so alone.  Abandoned.  Again.  Abandonment is something I'll touch on a lot on this blog...because it's something I feel so raw and deeply.
Then out of the blue, a verse that I didn't remember ever reading popped into my mind.

“When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.” — Psalm 27:10 KJV

"For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in." — Psalm 27:10 ESV

"Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close." — Psalm 27:10 NLT

I've included three different versions of this verse, because each one is so deeply intimate even in different wording.
When it was my lunch break, I looked up the verse, to make sure that it wasn't a product of my deranged mind...and it wasn't.  It was this verse (in the KJV, because that's what I've grown up with).  And it brought me so much comfort that I wept, and wrote in my Bible Notebook.
This is what I wrote:

"He will take me up.  Up in his arms like a little child.  His arms around me in a big embrace, face nuzzling and tickling my neck.  He will take me up in his arms and wipe my tears away.  I am a little child, my heart broken.  And he takes me up.  Safe.  Close to his heart.
 "He is my father.  He takes me up.  He holds me with arms big enough to hold all things together, yet small enough I'm in no danger of falling.
"The Lord will take me up.  My God, my king, my savior.  He will take me up.  He will be my father.
"He will take me up.  His treasured princess.  I am forsaken...  But I am not left alone and destitute...because The Lord takes me up."

I felt myself wrapped in his arms when I read that verse.
And I still do.
I feel it in the solace I've found with my aunt.  Something I may not have found again had this not happened.  I feel it in the hugs and kisses of my sweet Sharon at church.  I feel it when my dear friend Linda listens to me ramble, and hugs me, and cares, even when/if she disagrees.
I feel the Lord's arms around me in the love I find from those at my church.  The most loving church I've ever known.
Not everyone at church knows what I've gone through during my life.  Not everyone knows what I've done and gone through this summer.  They don't need to know.  They love me regardless.
I want to call out everyone from church who has encouraged me.  I want to write their names in big, bold letters...but to do that, to call out everyone who has encouraged me and made me to know that the Lord has taken me up, taken me in, and held me close, I would need the church directory (for correct spellings), and at least 1,000 more words.
Dear church family, you have been a balm to my aching, wearing, broken and scared soul.  If you are reading this, I adore you.  If you aren't, I still adore you, you'll just have to rely on my hugs and anything I say to you in person to get that across, instead of reading it here.
I'm not fatherless.  I'm not an orphan.
I am God's daughter.
And he has taken me up, taken me in, and holds me close.  I know I am loved, wanted and cherished.

Ephesians 3:20-21

I run a Facebook group dedicated to mental health and recovery, and from this group has sprang up a few different group chats.  One of them is a Bible Study group chat, where we can all share the verses that are speaking to us at the moment and have theological discussion.
My aunt is a part of the group and she almost always, every morning, drops a Bible verse in the Bible Study group chat.  I usually read it, feel happy, go about my day, sometimes respond.  But, this morning after she did that, I was reading through one of my reading plans on the YouVersion Bible app (it has the Katie recommended seal of approval), and came across Ephesians 3:20-21.

(Picture generated by YouVersion Bible app, verse is KJV)

I shared that image in the group chat, and left it.
But, the best part about group chats is that there are other people in them, who can offer their input.  And my aunt did.

"I've prayed this verse so many times and it didn't happen like I thought I would... So I got to thinking that maybe God doesn't always give us more than we ask if we don't take care of what He does give us...

So I've been trying to make that right and take care of what I have...

Now, I wonder if I just don't really believe this deep down... I know God promises our needs as well, and so I trust that promise... And He has never failed to follow through.

But since I feel like I just now have a good handle with what He has given, I don't know that I fully believe He will give more than I ask or think..."

Sometimes verses like Ephesians 3:20-21 are turned into prosperity gospel.  The idea that if we give xyz to God, then he'll pour back into us more than we can imagine...which isn't exactly false.  But when this verse is discussed, it's almost always about the physical.  If we give our time to God, he'll give us money.  If we give our money to God, he'll give us stuff.  If we give our service to God, he'll give us MORE money and stuff.
Maybe we have it wrong what he's going to pour out to us.
He promises to supply all of our needs.

“But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” — Philippians 4:19 KJV

But is what we need more stuff?
It's nice, I gotta admit.  I enjoy my stuff.  Please do not take any of my 200 (didn't actually count them) stuffed animals.  Most of them have names and are special.  Please don't take my books or video games, or movies.  I like my stuff.
Money is very nice.  A little to fall back on in case of an emergency.  A nice savings account.  Being able to go out with friends and pick up the check and the tip.  Being able to buy that cool thing at Walmart without checking the price.  Splurging on beef sticks.  Buying the ever expensive, but always delicious beef jerky.
But is it really what we need?
There are Christians in countries that aren't the USA who are being tortured, killed, beheaded, and imprisoned.  Just because they're Christians who refuse to renounce Christ.  They don't have stuff.  And if we believe stuff is our need, then God isn't supplying all their need.  So...God must be lying.
But.  My God isn't a liar.
I've quoted this verse in almost every post I've made on this blog...because it is one of my favorites.

"...be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” — Hebrews 13:5b

Be content with what you have.  Why?  Because God is not going to leave us or forsake us.  He is all we need.  God supplies us with himself.  With his grace, and mercy, peace that passes understanding.

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." — Philippians 4:7 KJV

And besides just supplying us with himself, he takes care and interest into our lives and our wants, and our physical needs.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all." — Matthew 6:25-32 ESV

He knows we have these physical needs.  He cares about us, and he cares about our needs.  I've never gone without clothing.  Even when I was growing up, and thought we weren't going to have food to eat, God always supplied the food.  I didn't starve.
But, at the end of the day, our biggest need is him.  Our only lasting need, is him.
That's why, to me, Hebrews 13:5b is so important.  It covers more than just one thing.  It covers my abandonment issues (written about here).  And it reminds me to be content with what I have...even if all I have is God.
Our lives on earth are so short.  But they aren't meaningless.  In the vastness of the universe, we are smaller than a speck of dust, and dust is smaller still.  Yet the maker of the universe, the creator of all that is, takes an interest in us, and loves us.  Not because we're worthy of his love, but because...because he just does.  There is no logical reason why God should love us.  Left to our own devices, the worst of us murder, rape, and torture, and the best of us tend to wind up bitter about one thing or another, and what good we do wind up doing takes a lot of work and effort.

 "Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom." — Psalm 90:12 NLT

"...yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." — James 4:14 ESV

 Yet despite our inconsequentialness and self-centeredness, God takes interest in us and loves us.  The thing is, like my friend Linda (another lady within the group) said, God sees the big picture.  We don't.  We barely even see what's right in front of us.

"For now we see through a glass, darkly..." — I Corinthians 13:12a.

Something else my friend Linda said was:

"God gives us what we need when we need it. Our finite imagination can't fathom what He can do. It also doesn't fully comprehend the difference between our wants and our needs. "

I've been told that I have a big imagination.  I can imagine...a lot, both good and bad. But Linda's right.  I can't imagine all that God can do.  I can't imagine a world without pain and suffering...I can't imagine heaven.
What she ended her message with was this:

"Part of being a good steward is accepting what He gives us and being content because we know He has our eternal best interest in mind."

My aunt replied (I'm paraphrasing) that sometimes later down the road, we see that what God gave us was better than what we wanted, whined about, cried over, and asked for.
I cried over my ex.  I wanted to marry him.  I wanted a life with him.  But had I married him, it would have been a horribly lonely, unfulfilling marriage.  We would have been at each other's throats.  I didn't see it at the time, though.  I saw his potential.  But potential is not who a person is.
I asked God to let what was best happen, and begged for what was best to be my relationship mending and being restored. But what wound up happening was that we broke up (maybe I'll write a fuller post about that at some point in time).  And it didn't feel like what was the best.
But things are better now...because I don't have what I thought I needed and wanted.  Because, surprise surprise, the one who made everything knew better than I did.
God can do above and beyond what we could ever ask or think.  And sometimes what he does, doesn't entail giving us what we want.  Because he's above and beyond us.  Beyond our very understanding.

"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.  And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." — Isaiah 55:8 NLT

And that's okay.  Because this:

""For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."" — Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

And this:

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." — Romans 8:28 KJV

Things may not go the way we think they ought to.  And we may not get everything we want or think we need.  We may not be blessed abundantly with stuff and money.  And that's okay.  We are blessed with God.

Singing on the Mound

This is a post directly related to my previous post, Psalm 13.  I promised to share a testimony of a time I praised God despite struggling with my mental illnesses, and this is that testimony.  I've previously shared it in a few different group chats and Facebook groups I'm a part of, so you may have heard the skeleton of this story already.
This was very early in December, and I was fighting anxiety something fierce.  One of my friends was going through a rough time and not talking much, so I was worried about them, but in addition to that, I was also having panic attacks almost all day, every day.
I would get up and have crippling anxiety.  Go to work.  Have more anxiety.  Have lunch.  Have a side of anxiety.  No matter what I did, it was anxiety.
I kept up with my Bible reading plans, but they didn't help anything.  One night, I opened my Bible and turned to Psalms, hoping to find some comfort, but found that I couldn't even read it, so I just curled up on my bed, holding my Bible in my arms, crying and trying to pray.  I definitely clung to Romans 8:26 that night.

"Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." — Romans 8:26 KJV

Finally, it got so bad on Wednesday, that I decided if I didn't feel better after lunch, I was going to go home, because I wasn't able to give myself to the kiddos the way they needed and deserved (I work at a school in a support position).  For me to willingly take off work is saying a lot.  I don't take off work.  I can't afford to, and I feel like a bum most of the time when I do, even when I'm sick.
I explained roughly to my supervising teacher that I wasn't physically sick, but the anxiety was so bad I couldn't breathe.  She was so understanding, and sent me home, telling me that I have sick days for a reason, and it's okay to take them.
On the way home, I came to the corner that would take me to the mound.
The mound is a park sort of place in my town.  It's literally a big hill with a park on top.  There are hiking trails, and a path to drive up.  At the very top is something we call the lookout.  It's just a cement platform raised up high enough that you can see the entire city.  It's a beautiful place to go, and probably my favorite place in my town (aside from my own house).
So, I drove up there.  I hadn't eaten lunch yet.
I just sat in front of the lookout for a bit, then decided on Sonic for lunch.  So I went to get my lunch and came back.  I tried to feed a cat that I saw.  It...did not like hot dogs.  But it was a sweet cat and I loved it.
I tried to pray a bit.  It was still hard.  I was still anxious.  I was still worried about my friend.
Finally, I got out of my car, and climbed up to the lookout.
I love to sing, and always have.  I have a hymn book app on my phone, so I opened it up, and began singing every hymn from it that I knew, whether it was one I preferred or not.  I don't remember if I prayed while I sang or not.  But I offered myself up to God, despite that I could barely breathe.
I didn't realize how loud I was singing, or that anyone could hear me.  I love to sing, but I get nervous when people catch me singing.  I'm okay with performing (though I'm nervous then, too).  I'm fine with breaking out into song with friends and family.  But for someone to just catch me singing...it makes me nervous.
After about an hour, I felt so much better.  There was so much peace.  This doesn't always, or frequently happen, but this time, praising God when I couldn't breathe turned out that he took my anxiety away that time.
But the story isn't over.
I got back in my car, and was just sitting there reading my Bible...I think I was in Psalms again.
This big, white, SUV van thing drives up the mound.  Not uncommon.  Others had driven up and down the mound that day.  But then they drove right up next to my car, where I was sitting with the window rolled down.
A Mennonite lady gets out, and walks over to my car.  "Are you the one who was singing?"
Seeing as I could not see myself, I can only imagine that my eyes got big when she asked that.  And I go, "Yes, I didn't know anyone could hear me!" (Thank you Mr. Miller for teaching me how to project...)
She told me she'd been working in her yard when she heard me.  Her little boy had been singing back to me, but of course I couldn't hear him.  She also told me that she'd been blessed by my singing.
Guys!  This is big!  And beautiful!  And...I am still blown away by it.
I was suffering that day.  I was struggling and suffering, and couldn't breathe.  I was hurting.  Yet I poured out myself to God.  I told him how I felt, and then I praised him anyway.
My pain led to another woman being blessed.  My choice to praise God even when I was in pain led to another woman being blessed.  And learning that I had blessed her, in turn blessed me.
And if she heard me...others probably did, too.  Including that truck that just sat there up on the mound for 2-3 hours....  I don't know how many people I accidentally blessed.
When you are hurting, and in pain, your reaction to your suffering can be an amazing blessing and example to others.  When you praise God despite suffering, you're also being like Job (see the book of Job), who lost everything, yet still chose to follow God, and praise him, and didn't reject him because of the suffering he was allowed to go through.
When you praise God despite your suffering, sometimes he will absolutely take your suffering away.  And sometimes he doesn't.  And that's okay.  You are an example to others by the way you live your life.  When you praise God, despite your suffering, you are telling Satan that he's still not winning.  That even when he throws things at you (whether directly, as in the case of Job, or because of the fall) he cannot take away your love and praise to a good God who loves you more than you can imagine.
AND
You're telling others that you serve a God bigger than your suffering, and that you refuse to allow your suffering to pull you away from him.

Psalm 13

I love the Psalms.  Ever since I was a child, Psalm 56 was my favorite Psalm, with the third verse being my favorite.

"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." — Psalm 56:3 KJV

This is partially because I was a very scared child.  I was scared a lot, about a lot of things.  I cannot count how many times I chanted this verse to myself because I was afraid.  As an adult, I'm still afraid of...well, to be honest, quite a bit.  However, I also know that I have God's protection over me, and that gives peace within the fear.  Maybe someday he will completely take my fears away.  But even if he doesn't, he is still God.
As I grew older, the Psalms became more and more important to me, as anxiety and depression really hit and, faced with no resources, I had to try to figure out my own coping mechanisms, hoping they were healthy ones.
Reading the Psalms didn't always take away my depression or anxiety (most of the time it didn't), but something that it did do, was encourage me that I was not alone.  There were others, giants in the Bible, DAVID himself, a man after God's own heart, who struggled.
I specifically remember one evening, my freshman year of high school, when I was hit with a horrible depression attack.  Possibly anxiety and panic as well, but I didn't have a name for those feelings yet.  I didn't find a name for those feelings until I was...around 16, I think.  I just remember the depression.
I put on my rollerblades (a healthy coping mechanism I had was to rollerblade around the town!), and rolled myself to church, along with my little red Bible (which is now worn out and somewhat retired because it was falling apart).
The church was always unlocked, and I had permission from the pastor to go in and play piano, virtually whenever I wanted, which was nice.
I don't remember if I played piano.  But I do remember that I sat on the front pew, all alone, and cried.  I remember opening my Bible and reading a Psalm.  Psalm 13.  I must have also taken a notebook, because I went through and tried to paraphrase it.
Here's the original:

"How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;

Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation. 

I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me." — Psalm 13 KJV

This is what I wrote:

"How long before I can feel you?  How long before I can see you, God?  Forever?  How long will I be trapped in my mind?  And be depressed everyday?  How long will they be over me and oppress me?  Please hear me, God!  Cheer me up before my thoughts run away with me, and I commit suicide.  Don't let my enemies beat me down and be happy when I cry."

And then I stopped.  I couldn't write the rest.  In my mind, the author (most likely David) went to God and then suddenly felt better, so he was rejoicing.  No more depression!  But I was still depressed.  And I didn't feel like rejoicing.
Later, when I was cheerier, I was able to write the ending.

"But I trust you, and I'm glad, because you've saved me.  I will sing to you, because you've saved me."

But as I've gotten older, I realized something.  The author of Psalm 13 was probably still depressed when they wrote the ending.
"What?  But look how cheerful he sounds!"
Yeah, I know.  That's what I thought when I was young and struggling to paraphrase the end because I didn't feel it.
The end of Psalm 13 is the author following the instruction that wasn't even written yet in I Peter 5:7.

"Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." — I Peter 5:7

The author went to God, and poured out their feelings and emotions.  They poured out their fears and anxieties to God.  We don't need to be sanitary with God.  It's okay to tell him and show him the raw fear and pain and anxiety you're feeling.  He wants us to do that.  Those are our cares, and he cares about us.
But in the end, the author finished by telling God he was going to trust him.  The author finished by rejoicing in the promises he had from God.  The author finished by reminding himself and God that God had dealt bountifully with him in the past.  If God dealt bountifully in the past, why would he stop now or in the future?
When we are faced with depression and anxiety, we should feel free to fall upon God and pour out the sorrow.  And then?  Even within the sorrow, we make the choice to remind ourselves of the good God has done to us and given us in the past.  Write it down, pray it to God, make a "thankful list".   That's a good and healthy coping mechanism.
Will worshipping God in the pain always or immediately take away the depression or anxiety?  No, not always.  Sometimes it can.  But it doesn't always.
Sometimes it feels like going to the doctor and getting a shot, even though you're terrified of shots, and hate them, and would rather do almost anything in the world other than get the stupid shot (hello, me).  But you know that the shot is going to help you get better.
Sometimes it's hard to tell God you trust him when the anxiety makes you feel like you're upsetting everyone and everyone hates you.  Sometimes it's hard to tell God you know he loves you, when your head knows he loves you, but your heart is clouded by depression and you feel like no one loves you.
The author of Psalm 13 had a relationship with God.  A deep one, where he felt free to go to God with his pain.  A relationship where he knew, even when he didn't feel, that God was good, and loving, and caring.  So, when he was finished telling God how he felt, he told God what he knew.
Even when we are depressed and anxious, God loves us and he cares.  We can rely on his promises that he will not leave us, that he cares for us.  And we can pray those promises back to him.  Not because he has forgotten his promises, but to remind us of his promises.  We can sing praises to him.  Not always because we're happy (read the story of Paul and Silas singing in prison in Acts 16), but because even when we're struggling or hurting, God is still God, and God still cares.
I'll be writing up a testimony type post about a time when I was struggling and did turn my struggle back into a worship for God, and was blessed amazingly, then edit this so you can find it, but if I tried to add it now, it would be too long.
Here it is: Singing on the Mound