Sunday, December 8, 2019

Purity Culture and the Modesty Movement

The culture of purity and modesty is something I went for hard when I was a young teen.  You know, the idea that girls should dress modestly so as to avoid making a man lust after them.  That men have a hard enough time with lust, so it is my responsibility as a woman to make sure they can't possibly lust after me.
Verses like:
"Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way." — Romans 14:13 KJV
are quoted frequently in this movement.
I didn't realize just how much that had impacted me, until today when listening to Lies Young Women Believe, and there was a chapter on purity.  And it rubbed me wrong.
I absolutely believe that purity is important, and that waiting for marriage is important, and that being modest is important...but...I'm not necessarily certain that I believe those things (minus waiting for marriage) mean the same thing I hear touted so often in books and blogs.
These thoughts destroyed me as a teen.  It was my responsibility to stay pure.  But some of my most influential moments from a young age were sexual.  And I felt ashamed and dirty, despite that those moments weren't my choices.  It made me feel like my purity had been stolen from me, and there was no way I could be pure now.
Being told that it is my responsibility to dress modestly so that I ensure that my brothers in Christ don't stumble, rubs wrong, when it's been evidenced from my youth that it doesn't matter how I dress, I am a sexual object to many, many young men and adult men that I meet.  Often within the church, no less.
And what does modesty even mean?  Does it mean that I need to be covered head to toe, like a nun?  You know, so guys can only see my face?  Well, you know what?  There's still sexual abuse toward nuns.  Covering their body didn't prevent anyone from lusting after them.
What about dressing the way the denomination I grew up in does?  Long skirts (usually jean skirts), preferably sleeves below the elbows, definitely no cleavage, best keep your hair long, also keep it up, no jewelry, no makeup, if you break these rules you're probably a harlot.  Not going to lie, I heard a woman tell her daughter that if she wore her hair down, she was a harlot.  I don't like that woman.
Well, I assure you that dressing this way doesn't keep men from lusting either.  I was a child in that denomination, dressing in long skirts, wearing my hair long (I wore it down as often as possible, because wearing it up gives me a headache), definitely not showing any cleavage...and I can think of three males (two older teens, one grown man), from this denomination and modesty standards, right off the top of my head, no effort put into my thinking, who sexualized me.  These three men all sexualized me while I was between the ages of 6-17.  My clothing made no difference to them.  If I stop and think, more will come to mind.
Of the males (not all were men, some were teens) who sexualized me or pressured me, most of them were church goers, whether from this denomination or not.  Some were pastor's sons, some even gave a sermon once or twice in their church.  One in particular was a Bible college student who had just given us our Sunday school lesson.
Please, don't ask me what I was wearing.
Because I'll tell you.  I was dressed modestly, especially when growing up in the denomination I grew up in.  Long skirts.  High collar shirts.  I went through a period of time where all I wore was turtlenecks.  No clue why.  I also had a period where all I wore was baggy t-shirts.  As a six year old, I wore homemade dresses, long, with high collars, some with long sleeves, some with t-shirt sleeves.  I did not ask for the sexual attentions of the people who gave them to me.
This is not me blaming people, or trying to make people feel sorry for me.  I'm trying to show you that what I wore did not matter, and it doesn't matter.  When it comes to sexual assault, or harassment, molestation or rape, the clothing worn by the victim does not matter.
And what about the many guys I know who have been victims of this kind of unwanted sexual attention?  Of the ones I know, either I don't know who abused them, or most of them were assaulted/abused/given sexual attention by other men, sometimes cousins or fathers.  Why don't you hear about them?  Was it their clothes?  Were their clothes the problem, too?  Were they not dressing in a way to help keep men from lusting after them?
The problem is, when you tell a girl that she needs to dress modestly because she needs to help keep a man from lusting after her, is that you are telling her that men are sex crazed monsters, who see a woman and immediately start drooling.  You are telling her that they have no self-control, so she has to try to compensate for their lack of self control.
You render verses like II Timothy 1:7, and Matthew 5:29 meaningless.

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." — II Timothy 1:7 (ESV)

"And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell." — Matthew 5:29 (KJV)

God literally gives his people (men and women) a spirit of self-control.  He specifically tells people that if their eyes cause them to sin, to pluck them out.  Was that an exaggeration?  Yes, probably.  But think about it...would you rather be blind, or would you rather go to hell?  If what you see causes you to sin so much that you can't control it, you probably should take the verse literally.
Oh, and the afore mentioned verse?  The one from Romans?  About being a stumbling block?  That was referring to Christians who had differing views on things like what should be consumed, and what holidays should be celebrated.  It was saying that it's okay if you have differing views, but don't try to make someone do something that they believe in their conscience they should not do.
I completely believe that people should be modest (not just women).  But I'm skeptical as to what modest means.
I've met a woman in jeans and t-shirts, whose hair is cut short, who took me into their home, loved on me, held me as I cried through a break up.  But there's also the woman wearing an almost 1800s style dress, her hair in a tight bun, who told her daughter she was a harlot if she wore her hair down.
Who was more modest?
Well, are we talking physical modesty?  The one most covered up?
I suppose the woman covered almost head to toe with her hair in a tight bun was more physically modest.
But who was more godly?  Who had more spiritual modesty?
Definitely the women wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
Look up the definition of modest in the dictionary.  It doesn't go on about clothing.  It talks about attitude.  Modesty is an attitude, not clothing.  It's just not.
Should we go out of our way to dress all sexy to make guys look at our bodies?  Uh, no, that doesn't sound like a good idea at all.  But if we have a modest attitude, and if we are following God and doing what we know to do to please him, that is what is required of us.
If you feel strongly about your clothing, or you question if you should wear (insert article of clothing here) pray about it.  God will let you know if it's an acceptable item of clothing for you to wear or not.
James 1:5 (ESV)
"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him."
If you feel strongly about someone else's clothing, pray about that too.  Probably one of three things will happen.  You'll either 1) Realize that what they are wearing is acceptable for them to wear, 2) Feel led by God to calmly, with gentleness, patience and love, talk with them about their clothes and what about their clothing bothers you, or 3) They will feel led by the Spirit, all on their own, and make the necessary changes to their wardrobe.
I hate the purity culture, and the modesty movement.  I really do.  I think purity and modesty are beautiful things and necessary and important, but I think that the way they're portrayed in these movements is awful.
Instead of saying how shameful it is to even think about sex, maybe we should start talking about the beauty of sex within marriage, how that is something to look forward to, how there is beauty and forgiveness and renewal if you do mess up.
What about we talk about the unnecessary shame that many victims of sexual abuse/assault/etc. feel?  What about we talk about how the God we serve isn't one of shame, but one of love?  Why do we not talk about these things?
Please please please, can we get rid of the story where a man passes a rose around the room and when it comes back to him, he say that's a woman who has slept around, and who would ever want her?  Sure, he follows it up with saying that Jesus wants that rose...but what about the girl who leaves the room in tears before he ever gets to that part?  Why don't we start with the story of love?
And it's not that I want men and boys to be assaulted with the same kinds of things that make us women feel worthless, but why don't we hold men accountable?  Why don't we expel both the mother and the father of a child conceived by two people at a Christian school?  Why is it only the mother who is kicked out?  True story, unfortunately.  And I'm sure it's not an isolated one.
God is love!  He is forgiveness, and grace, and mercy!  He is peace, and all manner of beautiful things.  Why do we paint him as an angry God who wants to control people, like puppets?  He made us all different!  He made us different for a reason!  He gave us different gifts and responsibilities within his church (read Romans 12 if you don't believe me).
Guys!  God is fantastic!  He gives me a peace I never thought I could experience.  He takes away my shame!  Shame from sins I've committed, and shame from things committed against me.  The modesty and purity movement that I've experienced seems rooted in shame.
One of my friends told me something this summer, something I named this blog for.  Something I believe wholeheartedly.
"My God is a God of love, not shame."
“They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed.” — Psalm 34:5 (KJV)

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