Inherent Worth

 Something that nearly every person I know seems to know, deep down, in their heart, regardless of their background or other beliefs, is that humans have inherent worth.

We, as humans, fight for other humans.  We fight to protect children.  We fight to protect the homeless.  We fight to protect single parents.  We fight for those with disabilities.  We fight for the oppressed.  We fight for lots of people.  Some people fight harder than others.  Some people feel hopeless to know how to help.

So why do we fight?  Because, we know, deep down in our heart of hearts, that people have worth!  People are worth fighting for! 

But why?  Why do people have worth?  Where does it come from?

Some people are sorely misguided to understanding where their worth, and the worth of others comes from.  Whether they're willing to admit it or not (this includes me), people often attribute their worth to how useful they are to someone else, to whether or not the person they're attracted to is attracted to them, whether they're good in bed, whether they have these skills or those skills.

And even worse, people will attribute worth to others for even more misguided reasons.  Income, skin color, gender, how they talk, their age, what kind of career they have, their grades, so on and so forth.

You can't convince me that I'm wrong.  I spent the better part of my life settling for guys who brushed me aside, ignored me, only had interest in how or if I could make them happy.  Why?  Because that's what I thought I was worth.  Meanwhile, we shovel the "tough" kids in school off to a room that isn't suited or staffed for their needs.  We happily foster and adopt babies and small children, but let more than 23K teens age out of the system, fall into human trafficking, drugs, homelessness, and unemployment (source).  We dismiss the man standing on the corner because "I bet he has a fancy trailer hiding around back." <- real thing I heard someone say.

Those are such flimsy reasons for worth.  There has to be a better place to find our worth than all of the things I've already mentioned or all the places you've drawn your worth from.  My worth does not come from whether or not I have a significant other, my looks, my grades, my finances, my living situation, my family situation, any history of abuse, my friends, or even my family.  I've just listed 9 things that I've drawn my worth from in the past, and sometimes struggle with today.

But that's not where my worth comes from.

Let's stop for a moment and delve into the world of art.

"The Weeping Woman" Pablo Picasso (1937)

This is "The Weeping Woman," an art piece done by Pablo Picasso in 1937.  In 1998, it sold for over $6,000,000 (source).  Today, that value is over $9,000,000 (source).  That's a lot of money.  It's a very expensive, very valuable painting.  I hate cubism.  I think it looks terrible.  But my opinion on cubism doesn't change the fact that this painting has a worth of over $9,000,000.

Where does this painting get its worth from?

It gets its worth from the fact that the person who painted it was Pablo Picasso.  Its worth lies in the fact that it was painted and crafted by a great artist who pioneered an entirely different art style (cubism).  Nothing more, nothing less.  To sully or destroy this painting would be widely regarded as a tragedy, because someone would have intentionally destroyed art made by a famous artist.

Now stop.  Think about you.  You have inherent worth, intrinsic value.  For someone to damage you, or harm you, or even for you to harm yourself, that is a great tragedy.  Why?

Because you were made by a great artist.

"So God created human beings in his own image.

    In the image of God he created them;

    male and female he created them." — Genesis 1:27 NLT

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb." — Psalm 139:13 NLT

This is where your worth comes from.  From being created in the image of an almighty and all powerful God.  The God who loved us when we did not love him.  The God who loved us when we didn't know him, or didn't understand him.  The God who loved us when we tried to find our worth everywhere but in just resting secure in the fact that he loved, and still loves us.

" This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins." — I John 4:10 NLT 

"But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners." — Romans 5:8 NLT

 Even as a Christian, I didn't believe it.  I'm sure I said it with my words, but deep inside, I definitely didn't understand it.  I didn't accept that as truth, and I missed out on security that comes with knowing that I am loved and have worth, because I am made in the image of God.

That's because we have a part to play in all this, too.  God put within us intrinsic worth that cannot be taken away, but we chase after fog, trying to find our worth.  We have to accept that we have worth because God made us.  And if we accept that our worth comes from being made by God, then that means we have to accept that he knows what is best for us, which means we then believe the words he's spoken through others about how we should live our lives.

And sometimes the ways he asks us to live our lives are hard.  He asks us to care for others...not just the others who thank us for what we do, but the ones who are greedy and ungrateful.  He asks us to pray for people who have hurt us, and not try to hurt them the ways they've hurt us.  He tells us to think of others as better than we are, to speak the truth in love, not just shouting, "I'm right, you're wrong, and here's my proof!!!"

Why does he asks us to do all that?  Because they have the same inherent worth we do.  Because he loves them, too.

Wake Up!

 I like to spend a lot of time on my blog talking about God's love.  I think it's important for those who once lived lives of sin to know that God doesn't hold their past against them, and reminding other Christians that we shouldn't either.  It's the truth, and is often preached, but isn't always lived.

God's love is important.  I want everyone to know of it, but even more, I want everyone to actually know it.  It's a good topic to talk on.

But right now, I am sad, and angry.  I think the fancy word for that is grieved.  I think I've talked a bit about this before, but I feel like it needs brought up again.

The church in America is asleep at best and dead at worst.  The church in America has a tendency to be lukewarm.  God hates lukewarm.  As he told the church of Laodicea:

"But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" — Revelation 3:16 NLT

 Over 50% of people in the United States say that they are Christians (source).  There are 328.2 million people in the US.  Even 50% is almost 200 million people.  Almost 200 million people say that they are Christians.

And you have the nerve to tell me that there is still so much evil in America?  And it's getting worse?  Wake up already.  You sit in your pews and sometimes you might give, and sometimes, sometimes you don't even go to church, you sit at home and watch an online service (understandable in certain circumstances), or you even just sleep in on Sunday, because, well, God knows you're a good person after all.  But you don't even know the God you claim to serve!

You can list more Pokémon than you can quote Bible verses!  And no, this isn't a dig at Pokémon, I love Pokémon.  You can list more Disney characters than people from the Bible (another fandom I enjoy)!  You can retell every episode of your favorite TV show, but you don't even know the story of Jael (Judges 4, if you're interested)!

No, being a Christian isn't all about knowing about God, but when you know more about the things in the world than you do about the God you claim to love and serve, the one who isn't gonna let you go to hell because you're a "good person...."  Honey, you done screwed up.

No, God doesn't want you to go to hell.  He straight up says that he doesn't want anyone to be destroyed.

"The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent." — II Peter 3:9 NLT

But you have to repent.  And if you're living your life all lukewarm, like the church in Laodicea mentioned in Revelation, you're screwed.  And you screwed yourself over, God didn't do that to you.

"You say, ‘I am rich. I have everything I want. I don’t need a thing!’ And you don’t realize that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked." — Revelation 3:17 NLT

This is what God said to the church of Laodicea, and we are blind in America if we think God isn't saying this to us.

Like I pointed out in my post Stop. Praying., if we, as the church, actually followed what our God asked us to do, and speak up for those who can't speak up for themselves (Proverbs 31:8-9), took care of the abundant amount of widows and fatherless in our country (James 1:27), gave to those who had need (Luke 12:33), and just generally loved others as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39), we wouldn't have all the issues that we're having.

There would be decent people in office, because the over 50% of Christians would get out there and vote in decent humans, who truly care about helping others.  The over 50% of Christians would stand up and ask God to use them and to put them in positions where they can be the ones voted in to help others.  If every single one of the over 50% of people who say that they're Christians truly knew the God I know, and truly cared about doing his will, then we could be over here moving mountains.

Wake up!  Please!  I'm begging you!  Wake up!  Do what God has asked you to do, live the life he's asked you to live!  It's not easy.  I promise you that right now.  If it were easy, I wouldn't be writing this blog post with tears in my eyes, nervous to even post it because I'm afraid of the backlash.  But it is good.  It is rewarding.

When you allow God to love others through you, it's incredible the changes you can see in a person.  It's amazing to see his love change others.  It's amazing to see his love change you as you let him work through you.

Please...wake up.

God's message to the church of Laodicea didn't end by him calling them lukewarm and arrogant and saying he was going to spit them out and be done with them.  Because he wasn't done with them.  He didn't write them off, he didn't say, "Welp, y'all are too stupid and I am done.  G'bye!"

This is how he continued his letter to them:

"So I advise you to buy gold from me—gold that has been purified by fire. Then you will be rich. Also buy white garments from me so you will not be shamed by your nakedness, and ointment for your eyes so you will be able to see.  I correct and discipline everyone I love. So be diligent and turn from your indifference." — Revelation 3:18-19

He said, "Come back to me."  He said, "Stop acting like this."  He said, "I will help you see what is right to do and do it."  He said, "I love you.  Act like you love me."

And then he ended his letter like this:

"“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.  Those who are victorious will sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat with my Father on his throne." — Revelation 3:20-21 NLT

 There is hope.  We can still be victorious.  But you have to wake up first.  Please...please...wake up.

"“Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light.” — Ephesians 3:14b NLT

SOAPS

Ahh yes, we love talking about soaps, here on a Christian living/encouragement blog....
So, I recently went on a women's retreat (it was wonderful, I cried almost the whole time), and the set up they had for devotions was a self guided thingy called "SOAP."

S = Scripture
O = Observation
A = Application
P = Prayer

So, to start out, you pray and ask God to direct you to the appropriate scripture.  Then, you, obviously, read said scripture.  For me, things like this work best if I write them down.
For observation, you simply jot down what you observe.  Who is talking to who?  About what?  Why?  What is the context?  Make sure you're reading it in context, too.  Maybe read the first few before and/or the first few after your passage, if you have any doubts.
Application refers to applying it to life today.  Is there an attitude that someone in the scripture had that we should model or avoid?  Is it an instruction given to the church that we should be modeling today?  Is it a reminder of who God is and wants to be in our lives?
And lastly prayer.  Prayer is pretty simple.  You just talk to God.  Ask him what he wants you to glean from this bit of scripture.  Ask him how he wants you to apply it.  And be willing to be quiet and listen to what he may be saying back.  If you ask him to show you something, you must be willing to be shown.

I can hear you now, "But yours says SOAPS, not SOAP!!!"  Yes, yes it does.  That's because I love songs.  They are a huge part of how I worship God.  So, at the end, after I've prayed, I listen to a Christian song.  I looked up a list of them, so that I could spread my wings.  Some of my all time favorite songs to worship to God are:
Start a Fire
Blessed Be Your Name
Trust in You
Everywhere I Go
All The People Said Amen
Be Still My Soul
Arise My Soul Arise (not the best version, oh well)
I Come to the Garden Alone
This is My Father's World

A lot of the time, my application starts looking like a T chart.  I pick apart who the verse is about, and start writing down the words or short phrases that apply to them.  For example, in Psalm 18:1-2, the people were "God" and "I."  Underneath were all of the descriptors or actions of "God" and "I."
Also, sometimes your first scripture can lead to and connect to other scriptures.  Psalm 1 wound up connecting to Galatians 5:22-23, and Psalm 18:1-2 connected to Philippians 4:13.  That's okay.  In fact, I'd say that it's GOOD to be able to draw connections between the passages you've read!

So there ya have it, the SOAPS method (thank you Niqee for introducing me to the unmodified version!).

S = Scripture
O = Observation
A = Application
P = Prayer
S = Song(s) (optional)

My Feelings Are Not My Faith

My church has started putting what they call a "Food 4 Thought" in our Sunday bulletin.  They are typically quotes by Christians, or just other things to get us thinking, and this is one we had awhile back, when we were still meeting in person.

"My feelings are important for many things.  They are essential and valuable.  They keep me aware of much that is true and real.  But they tell me next to nothing about God or my relationship to God.  My security comes from who God is, not from how I feel.  Discipleship is a decision to live by what I know about God, not by what I feel about him or my neighbors." — Eugene H. Peterson

As someone who struggles with my self worth, and fears of abandonment, a lot of the time my feelings are liars.  I have great gut instincts, but I also have anxiety.  As such, when my aunt told me to follow my gut about something earlier, my response was, "I have anxiety, my gut is literally always telling me to abort mission."  I've still not decided what to do in that situation, either.
I grew up in a church that made me feel like my existence was wrong.  Not that I was necessarily doing anything wrong, but that by just existing, I was wrong.  I grew up in shame.  I grew up fearful that God was a father like my earthly father...someone who really didn't want me.
As I got older, it started to weigh on me that God was not a God that I could ever please.  I felt like everything I did was going to upset him.  I felt confused, and unsure of what he even wanted from me.
Between the legalistic strictness of the church I grew up in, my own fears and the way I was treated at the Christian school I attended, God became a big, angry, unloving being.  I could never please him.  He would never truly love me, because I was always screwing up.
And lemme tell you, that was a rough place to be.
But I probably don't have to tell you.
I had a lovely conversation with one of my oldest friends the other day.  I mean oldest in both senses of the word.  I "adopted" a 50 some year old lady when I was 7 years old, and she's been one of my best friends ever since.  But part of that conversation was drenched in tears, as she expressed that she felt the same way I've just been describing.
But my God cannot be a God of shame.  He does not dangle his love over our heads, like an unreachable carrot.

"God is love." — I John 4:8b

God himself is love

Feelings are great.  But they can also tell lies.  Where do lies come from?

"You are of your father the devil...he is a liar and the father of lies." — John 8:44b NLT

Lies are from the devil.  How do we fight these lies?

"...your word is truth." — John 17:17b ESV

With the truth!  Truth is the only way to fight lies!  Truth is incredibly freeing!

"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”" — John 8:32 NLT

And what is the truth?  The truth is...  God loves you.  Jesus died for you, so that you could have a new life.  You are God's most precious treasure, he adores you!  We are his children!  If you stumble or slip, all you have to do is go to him and confess your sins, and he is ready and willing to forgive you!  He gives you strength, so that you can do anything he's called you to do!  And he is not about to leave you.

"“For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." — John 3:16 NLT

 "So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.  Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”" — Romans 8:15 NLT

"But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness." — I John 1:9

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." — Philippians 4:13 NLT

"...be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, “I will never fail you.  I will never abandon you.”" — Hebrews 13:5b NLT

Get yourself a list of promises from the Bible!  Look up the areas you struggle in, and put them in a word document, write them down, commit them to your memory.  When you're struggling, pull up that word document, grab your list, run through those verses in your mind, remind yourself that these feelings?  They are feelings.  It's okay to recognize that you feel this way, but it's even more important to recognize that no matter what your feelings are telling you, God's word is giving you the truth against the lies your feelings are telling you.

What Can I Do?

It was an ordinary Wednesday evening at my house.  I was cleaning up some of my kitchen, trying to get cookies made for a potluck we're doing at work tomorrow, and starting to feel discouraged.  You see, when God handed out gifts, one he did not give me was the ability to keep my kitchen clean.  Then, there was a little whisper.
"How are you supposed to pack everything and move three hours away when you can't even keep your kitchen clean?" (I'll be making a post about it later on, but I've accepted a ministry job offer, and I am so excited to start it, it's just that I'll be moving three hours away)
I started to feel discouraged.  It was right after all.  I can't keep my kitchen clean.  I try, and then I get overwhelmed, or distracted, or I'm at work, and it's difficult to clean a kitchen that is 30 minutes away from you.  In fact, I struggle with keeping my entire house clean.  Especially with a pandemic that makes it so that I don't have to clean for company to come over (company is a huge incentive to clean house for me).
Then...I remembered something.

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." — Philippians 4:13 NLT

If you've seen War Room, you probably remember the scene where the woman went through her entire house, denouncing the devil, telling him that he had no place in her home, or in her life.  You can watch that scene here.
I went on a rampage.  I yelled at Satan and told him that if God has placed it on my heart to move three hours away, where I only have two friends, and to do a difficult job, then God will also give me the strength to do what he's asked me to do.
I told him that he is a liar and the father of lies.

"When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies." — John 8:44b NLT

I told him that the abyss, hell, the lake of fire, was made for him and his angels.  Not for me, not for anyone in the town I'm living in, and not for anyone in the town I'm moving to.  That God has asked me to be his hands and feet and spread the good news, and that he can't stop me, and that there are people he will not be allowed to have, because I am determined to share God with them.

"Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:" — Matthew 25:41 KJV

 I informed him that I can do everything through Christ.  And everything means everything.  I can do something little, like getting my kitchen cleaned, something bigger like packing up and moving three hours away where I only have two friends, and, if it ever comes down to it, something huge, like allowing someone to kill me rather than renouncing the name of Jesus.
Everything means everything.
I also told Satan that he doesn't belong in my house, and he definitely doesn't belong whispering things in my mind.  I told him that I know he hates having scripture quoted at him, but that maybe he should have just not tried whispering lies into my mind.  I told him that I know how weak I am, and how scared and nervous I am of moving away from my friends, my family, and my church family.  And that it's okay, because God's strength is perfect in my weakness.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." — II Corinthians 12:9 ESV

I screamed at him.  I yelled at him.  I told him that he didn't belong here.  Because he doesn't.  He doesn't belong in my house, whispering things into my mind trying to make me doubt not only myself, but God.  God told me to fill out the job application, God gave me the job, and God is moving me and will provide a place to live when I get there.  God promises to take care of me.  He knows my needs before I ask!

"Don’t be like them, for your Father knows exactly what you need even before you ask him!" — Matthew 6:8 NLT

"And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." — Philippians 4:19 NLT

 Guys!  If God calls you to do something, if he brings you to a ministry, to a crossroads, and it's something that he wants you to do, you can do it.  Christ is giving you strength!  Do you remember what his strength accomplished?  He raised the dead to life.  He healed the blind and the lame, he cleansed people of leprosy, multiplied five loaves and two fish to the point that not only was everyone fed, but there were several baskets left over!!!  AND HE IS GIVING YOU STRENGTH!!!  Is that not incredible?!
You can do everything through Christ who gives you strength!  Everything!  From the small, to the large, and everything in between!  There are verses about how our faith can move mountains!  I've been to Colorado only twice, but I would like to tell you that the mountains are a wee bit big.
I do have to throw a wrench in this and say that if it's not God's will, no amount of wishing will make it so.  The II Corinthians verse earlier in this post was after Paul had repeatedly asked God to please remove this thorn in the flesh.  He had faith.  But God told him that he worked best through Paul's weakness, and that no, he would not remove his thorn.
But that's a whole different topic, for a whole different post.
Guys, I'm over here scared to move a measly three hours away, doubting my capabilities because of a messy kitchen.  But I can do it.  It's what God's asked me to do, and he isn't going to bring me to this crossroads, then leave me high and dry.  I can do everything, through Christ who gives me strength, because his spirit lives in me.

"The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. " — Romans 8:11a NLT

Stop. Praying.

Alright, that was more than a little click-baity, coming from me, and obviously I'm not encouraging you not to pray, because that would violate I Thessalonians 5:17.

"Never stop praying." — I Thessalonians 5:17 NLT

Please pray.  Pray is our greatest weapon.  Unfortunately, often, it's also our greatest copout.
I'm in several groups on Facebook, and in one of them we have daily discussions and questions and polls.  One of the questions was, "If you're nonreligious, do you get offended when people say they're praying for you?"  Unfortunately, the answer was often, "Yes, because they say that instead of actually offering help and support."
And sadly...they're right.
I'm wonderfully blessed to be part of a church that is constantly giving their time and resources.  They show fruit and shine God's light.  I've also been in churches where those who desperately needed help were ignored or even helped by members of a different church.  Churches where they'll pray for you all day long, but when you need help, you're on your own.
That's the exact opposite of what we, as Christians, are to do.

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." — James 1:27 NLT

Who are the orphans and widows?  Obviously we do have widows and orphans.  Kiddos in the foster care system (over 400K of them), single mothers, and children in single parent homes (over 24 MILLION).  Care for them!  I would have killed (slight exaggeration) to have a father figure who didn't leave or abuse me as a child, who would take me to father/daughter dances and just been a safe adult man that I could have had a close friendship with.
It doesn't take much.  Sometimes all that's needed is a listening ear.  Sometimes what's needed is someone to mow the yard.  Sometimes it's just an extra hug, or financial aid.  Sometimes that may mean opening up your home to foster children (a couple in my church is setting up and planning to adopt through the foster care...TWENTY kids, not just one).

"A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." — Matthew 22:39 NLT

When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, he said to love God, and that this was the second greatest commandment.  Loving others.  Not just loving others, but loving them as yourself.
As someone who has struggled with mental illness, I'm gonna be honest, I don't always love myself, and sometimes I don't take care of myself.  But I always make sure that I have food available to eat, even if I don't feel like eating, I always make sure that I have my utilities on, I always make sure that my cat has food, I always make sure that I have plenty of enjoyable activities like art and video games.  That's how I love myself and take care of myself.
Likewise, I should make sure that my friends, family, neighbors, strangers, those around me who I have the opportunity to help have those things.  If I can help, I should.  Not just sit here and go, "Oh, God, my friend Annabelle doesn't have food in her cupboard, please provide her some food!" then go buy myself some Taco Bell.
I shouldn't sit here and go, "Oh, God, my friend Ronald is sad and lonely, and needs someone to remind him of your love, please send him someone to tell him that you love him!" then scroll by.
I shouldn't drive past the beggar on the side of the road and go, "Oh, God, first of all I bet he's a drunk and so I won't give him money, but good grief give him some help!" when I have some money I can give.

"Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow." — Matthew 5:42 NLT

Furthermore, we are told specifically to give to anyone who asks.  Anyone.  Unless you honestly feel GOD himself pressing you not to give, then you need to give.  I need to give.  What they do with the money you give is between them and God.  If they are not a good steward of what God gives them through you, that is a them problem.  What is a you problem is when you refuse to give, due to your own biases.

"Sell your possessions and give to those in need. This will store up treasure for you in heaven!" — Luke 12:33a NLT

Reading this verse in the full context, it's referring to not worrying about your daily needs because God already knows your needs and will take care of you.
I, personally, can attest to this.  I don't make a lot of money.  I make the opposite of a lot of money.  However, since I've moved out on my own, I haven't had anything shut off.  Not the super important utilities, to the less important Netflix.  God has taken care of me.  When I've needed help, it's come.  Sometimes without even asking anyone other than God.

"And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’" Matthew 25:40 NLT

He's Gone

I am writing this from a place of grief.  There are many directions this post can go, because there are so many emotions that come from this.
I wrote awhile back about my missing kitty.  You can read that post here.  He isn't missing anymore.  But he's gone.  Thursday, I found his body.  He had hidden himself deep in a closet under a bunch of things so we couldn't find him.  I think he knew how much it would destroy me to find his body, so tried to hide from me.
I am aware that we're in the middle of a pandemic...but, I admit that it was the furthest thing from my mind when I saw his tail.  I couldn't even move anything else to get him out.  I called my mom, who came and got him out for me.  She gave me his collar and said that she and my stepdad would take care of the wood for a coffin.  He was a special cat.  He deserves more than a hole in the ground and a blanket.  I said I wished that I had the money to cremate him.
She took him home with her so that they could measure him for the coffin, then texted me a bit later to let me know that they would foot the bill to have him cremated.  We took him into the vet today to be cremated.  I don't have him home yet.
Thursday I cried for about 6 hours straight before I ran out of tears and gave myself a massive headache.  I've been crying on and off for about 4 or 5 hours now, and it's almost bedtime.
Poro was a good cat.  He was a special cat.  I know I'm biased because he was mine, but I've never met (heard of, yes, but never met) another cat who would sit on command.  I've never met another cat who could climb up a tree and come down with a bird.  He purred so loudly.  He loved to walk on my spleen.  He loved me and my mom, but if a stranger came over, he would stare at them wide-eyed before running upstairs and hiding.  If you met him, and if he let you pet him, you are a special human.
You might think that I'm stupid, or at the very least acting stupid for being so distraught about this.  "He's just a cat."  But he wasn't.  He was my baby.  I would have braved a snake for him.  I tried to leave him at my parents when I moved, so that he could still go outside, because he loved outside.  But this house wasn't a home until I had my Poro.  I'm brokenhearted.  I'll probably be crying for several more days.
And this is about the time, where if you remember that this isn't a personal blog, you start asking what this has to do with God and his love.
Because God cares!  He cares that I can barely see the words I'm typing because I am crying again.  He cares that I lost my baby.  He cares, even though my baby was a cat.  He is here with me, for me, near me.  He loves me, and he loves Poro.

"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds." — Psalm 147:3 NLT

There are no limits to the reasons for having the broken heart.  If you're broken hearted, he's there.

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” — I Peter 5:7 NLT

He cares because I care.  He wants to hear that I am sad.  He wants to hear that I am brokenhearted.  He wants to hear that I miss my baby.  Because he cares about me.

"What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it." — Matthew 10:29 NLT

God knows when the sparrows fall to the ground.  He knows when they die.  He cares about them.  And Poro is bigger than a sparrow.  Poro would eat the sparrow that fell to the ground...in fact, he would be the reason the sparrow fell to the ground.  And God cares about him, too.

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." — Matthew 11:28 NLT

I can go to him for rest, because this is a burden.  Grieving is exhausting, and it takes time.  A lot more time than I wish.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”" — Revelation 21:4 NLT

 I've been crying a lot lately.  I messaged my friend and said, "Hello, my name is Katie and I am a water fountain."  God is going to wipe those tears away from my eyes.  There's no more crying because of things like this.  There's no more death.  There's no more sorrow, or pain of loss.
I don't know if Poro will be in heaven.  Some people say no, some people say yes, some people say that the pets of the saints will be there, and I so very hope that they are, because the thought of never being able to hold my Poro again makes me start crying all over again.  Besides, none of the animals ever did anything wrong to be subjected to the curse.  It was mankind's fault.
I am hurting right now.  Not everyone understands.  They don't have to.  But, I also know that it's okay for me to mourn.

"A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance." — Ecclesiastes 3:4 NLT

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." — Matthew 5:4 KJV

Through this suffering, I am not alone.  I have friends who have done everything from give me space, to send me pictures of bunnies without expectation of reply, to listen to me talk about what a good boy Poro was.  And when I'm all alone in my house crying, there is a God, my father...my daddy, who hears me cry, and wraps me in his arms and gives me peaceful sleep and comfort.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort." — II Corinthians 1:3

(Poro, laying on my blanket, being cute and sweet)

Shame

Shame.  What is shame?
According to the dictionary on Google, shame is:

"a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior."

Pain.  Humiliation.  Distress.  Yuck.  Those words make me think of feelings that...aren't enjoyable.  Along with them come fear, and anger.  It makes me want to isolate myself from everyone else, because if I don't isolate myself, I fear that I'll lash out.
We all have a different relationship with shame.  Maybe when you feel ashamed it makes you want to just ignore the shame and do everything regardless.  Maybe when you feel shame, you begin blaming everyone else for your pain and distress.  Maybe you get mean.  Maybe you just shut down.  I don't know, God has made us all weirdly and beautifully unique, even down to our reactions to the same type of stimuli.
Shame is, unfortunately, a part of life.  If you don't dress right, don't talk right, if your family has the wrong last name, if you've been abused, if you grew up poor, etc.  Sometimes others make us feel shamed, sometimes we make ourselves feel shamed.  It's an awful feeling.
And it doesn't belong in the church.
I was talking to my mom and a friend earlier, and I realized that the church tends to have this love affair with shame.  We call ourselves sinners, even though we've been saved by grace, adopted into God's family, and made new.  We refuse to forgive ourselves and others for sins that God has already long since forgiven.  This is something that was actually brought up at church this Sunday.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith." — Ephesians 2:8a ESV

" Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."  — II Corinthians 5:17 ESV

I didn't realize until August 2019 that I was still holding shame over things that I did years ago.  God had forgiven me, why hadn't I forgiven me?  Not only that, but I held onto shame over things that others did against me, that I had no control over.  And why?  Isn't that ridiculous?
Yes, it is.  Shame is a lie.  A stupid lie that we buy into again and again.  And lies come from the devil, who should not be trusted.

"...he is a liar and the father of lies." — John 8:44b NLT

When we buy into the lie of shame, it weakens us.  We become afraid, and timid.  We become so wrapped up in our shame of being sinners that we become afraid to approach our father.  We allow ourselves to continue feeling condemned for things that Jesus already paid the price for!

"So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." — Romans 8:1 NLT

When we buy into the lie of shame, we allow ourselves to become controlled by our fear.  Not just controlled by our fear, but slaves to our fear.  God doesn't want us to live in bondage.  He adopted us, made us his children.

"So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”" — Romans 8:15 NLT

God wants us to be his children, not his slaves.  And we make ourselves slaves when we have an affair with shame.  When we refuse the Devil's lie of shame, and rely on the grace of our Heavenly Father, we are able to come before God boldly with our needs.

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." — Hebrews 4:16 NLT

But...shame is so easy to hold onto...it's strong.  It's a thick smog.  How do you get rid of it?

"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” — John 8:32 NLT

Shame is a lie.  The only way to battle a lie is with the truth.  We must rely on the truths already shared here.  Romans 8:15, Romans 8:1 (honestly the whole chapter of Romans 8 is fantastic), Hebrews 4:16, Ephesians 2:8,  II Corinthians 5:17,  II Timothy 1:7, Romans 8:38-39, so, so, so many verses.
Look up verses on love, forgiveness and mercy.  Those are things that are true and are the things we should focus our mind on, not the lies of the devil trying to cancel our boldness, freedom and salvation.

"Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." — Psalm 34:5 NLT

The Missing Kitty

Those of you who know me in person know that I'm a crazy cat lady in training.  I only have two cats, but I'm trying to get a head start on the crazy.  I love my cats more than I love most humans (this is mostly a joke), and if I ever become so poor that it's me or my cats getting food, I'm gonna get them something first.
I love my cats.  I could tell you loads about them.  About how Tabitha was a girl, but apparently he was just a late bloomer, and by the time I found out that he was a boy it was too late to change his name.  About how I accidentally trained Poro to sit on command.  I could whisper to you that I love Poro better (I love him different) than Tabitha and that he is my most special baby (kinda true).
But this isn't about that.
Poro is missing.  He got out Monday night, and I noticed his actual absence on Tuesday.  He's a shy, independent loner cat, so I figured he was just hanging out on his own Monday night.  But Tuesday when I got back from dental surgery (that's another story), I couldn't find him.
I looked through the entire house.  I looked in his favorite spots, on my bed, places he rarely goes, in every window, under the beds.  He was gone.  He's still missing.  Eventually, I realized that he probably got out Monday and I didn't notice because it was dark, and he's a mostly black cat.
I've had him for about 5-6 years.  He's my baby.  I love that cat so much.  He took my last bit of money last month because I discovered that he had worms.  He completely clawed me up as I tried to get two pills down his throat.  He continued to claw me up as he got a bath because he peed in the carrier on the way to the vet and it got all over him.
And that didn't change my love for him.
He's been gone almost a week and I miss him even more now than I did Tuesday when I realized he was gone.  If I knew where to look, I'd be looking.  I'm pretty sure he went out in the country area though...but that's not my property, and I'm not allowed back there.
I've prayed so many times for him to come home safe and sound.  I've begged God to please bring my baby home, because I miss him, and even Tabitha is getting extra clingy and misses him.  He's a quiet, independent loner boy, but his absence fills the house.
And then I had a thought.
Poro is my 1 in the 99.  The one that I want to come back to me.
Jesus told a story of a shepherd who had one sheep who strayed.  The shepherd left his 99 other sheep behind to go find and rescue his lost lamb.  When he found it, he carried it home on his shoulders, rejoicing all the way home, and when he got to his friends, he told his friends to rejoice with him.

"So Jesus told them this story: “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders.  When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’ In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away!" — Luke 15:3-7 NLT

 And then I had another thought.
I'm over here praying several times a day, almost in tears, over my lost kitty.  I know that God cares about my kitty, because he cares about the sparrows, and my kitty is bigger than a sparrow.  I know he cares about my kitty because I care about my kitty and he cares about me.

"What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it." — Matthew 10:29 NLT

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." — I Peter 5:7 NLT

He knows where my Poro cat is, and he cares because I care.  But do you know what he cares about more?  The souls of my friends and family who don't know him, who haven't been redeemed and adopted by him, who don't have the same peace that I do.

"This is good and pleases God our Savior, who wants everyone to be saved and to understand the truth." — I Timothy 2:3-4 NLT

And do you know how often I pray for them?  It's not that I don't pray for them.  I do.  Usually once a day at a prayer time that my family has come together and decided is our family prayer time, despite us all living far away from each other.
But I only pray for them maybe once a day.  Sometimes more if I'm thinking about them.  Guys, Poro means the world to me.  I adore him and I love him and I miss him and I just want to hug him again.  But the humans in my life matter more.
It's not fun to realize that you're wrong.  It's even less fun to admit that you're wrong.  But I was wrong.  It's not wrong for me to pray for Poro to come home...but I should be praying as fervently for my friends and family to "come home."
I'm not going to say that I'm now magically amazing at praying for the humans in my life to be saved.  I'm not.  But now I'm aware that I have a problem, and I plan to make an effort to fix it.  My prayers have power...I should make use of it.

"The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." — James 5:16b

I Love Him, Because He Loves Me

I recently saw a couple of my Facebook friends share this post:



And I'm gonna tell you...part of me was like, "Yes, I want to post this."  But after that initial thought, the friends who flashed across my mind were people who would snort or roll their eyes at a post like this.  Shrug, say that they're good people (and honestly, for the most part I'd agree), that if Jesus loves them, he's not going to send them to hell, because they are good people.
Basically...if this were my last post, and that's what I said...I'd still have done no good.
My hope is that my last post on Facebook, on this blog, on any of my social media, does not tell someone that I want them to follow Jesus, but to show them why I do follow him.
People don't respond well to being told what to do.  At least I don't, and I'm pretty sure I'm a people.  People respond better when they are shown by example.  At least that's true of me, and again, I am pretty sure I'm a people.  However, I could be a cleverly disguised beaver in a trench coat.  Who knows at this point?
So, instead of telling you that I hope you'll follow Jesus and that he loves you...I'm going to tell you why I follow Jesus/God, and how I know that he loves me.

1. I follow Jesus and love him, because he loves me.

"We love because he first loved us." — I John 4:19 ESV

I know that God loves me.  Because no matter what I've done, he's never let go of me.  I'm not perfect, I'm not an angel, and unlike what one of my friends has called me since they've met me...I am not innocent.
I know that God loves me, because in my darkest hours, when I've cried out for a friend, he has provided.  He provided Alex when I was on the verge of giving up my faith, he provided Xander when I was drowning in shame for things I'd long since been forgiven of, and even tonight, he provided Marina when I felt afraid, and as though all my friends and family were going to abandon me.  All three of the people I listed by name were answers to prayers.
When I met Alex, I was the lowest in my faith that I had ever been.  I was barely reading my Bible, I had given up tithing.  My prayers were cries to God, telling him that I wanted to be a good Christian, but I felt helpless, was worn out, and giving up.  Meeting Alex is the best thing that has ever happened for my faith, because I began attending my church, and found the first church family I have ever had in my entire life at 18 years old.
When Xander came, I was at an extremely low point.  I had been making extremely poor decisions, both personally and especially for my faith.  I had confessed this to God, to my pastor and his wife, and these were not decisions I was making any longer, but I was still so ashamed of where I'd been, and had other external factors pressing on me, and hurting me, that I didn't see how I could move forward.  Xander came to visit, and gave me the name for this blog—without knowing or realizing it—when he reminded me that God is a God of love, not a God of shame.  He was an encouragement I desperately needed.
And tonight...Marina, she was an answer to pray for God to give me a friend so that I would know I wasn't alone and abandoned.  My depression and anxiety have had me crying almost every day for the past 7 days.  Maybe longer.  They've had me struggling and panicking for the past 2-3 weeks.  February/March tend to be rough months for my mental health.  I've been feeling alone.
Marina is a good friend from church.  We don't spend much time together outside of church, because between work and illness, and just general exhaustion, if one of us is good to go, the other just wants to lay on the couch and stop existing for 3 hours (nap, I mean nap, we want to nap).  She saw me crying at church yesterday (I started writing this on a Monday and it's been saved in my drafts ever since), because yes, I go to church even if I'm a royal mess, because I need to be with my family and no one ever makes me feel ashamed for crying at church.  She messaged me this morning telling me that she was thinking about me, praying for me, and offered up Minecraft as an activity we could do together, just so I could get my mind off of stuff.
So...I went.  Played Minecraft.  And...between Minecraft, pizza, lighthearted conversations, and deep conversations...that was what I needed.  A friend.
There are many reasons why I love Jesus, and I hope to make this into a series showcasing some of the reasons why I love and follow Jesus.
But honestly, the biggest reason that I love and follow Jesus is because when I finally learned that he was a God of love, not a God who I had to twist myself into a knot just to please so that he wouldn't get mad at me and leave...I finally knew what love was.  Or, I thought I did.  I am still learning what love is.  Because I'm still learning more and more about God, and God is love.

"God is love." — I John 4:8 ESV

I love and follow Jesus...because I know he loves me.