Shame

Shame.  What is shame?
According to the dictionary on Google, shame is:

"a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior."

Pain.  Humiliation.  Distress.  Yuck.  Those words make me think of feelings that...aren't enjoyable.  Along with them come fear, and anger.  It makes me want to isolate myself from everyone else, because if I don't isolate myself, I fear that I'll lash out.
We all have a different relationship with shame.  Maybe when you feel ashamed it makes you want to just ignore the shame and do everything regardless.  Maybe when you feel shame, you begin blaming everyone else for your pain and distress.  Maybe you get mean.  Maybe you just shut down.  I don't know, God has made us all weirdly and beautifully unique, even down to our reactions to the same type of stimuli.
Shame is, unfortunately, a part of life.  If you don't dress right, don't talk right, if your family has the wrong last name, if you've been abused, if you grew up poor, etc.  Sometimes others make us feel shamed, sometimes we make ourselves feel shamed.  It's an awful feeling.
And it doesn't belong in the church.
I was talking to my mom and a friend earlier, and I realized that the church tends to have this love affair with shame.  We call ourselves sinners, even though we've been saved by grace, adopted into God's family, and made new.  We refuse to forgive ourselves and others for sins that God has already long since forgiven.  This is something that was actually brought up at church this Sunday.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith." — Ephesians 2:8a ESV

" Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."  — II Corinthians 5:17 ESV

I didn't realize until August 2019 that I was still holding shame over things that I did years ago.  God had forgiven me, why hadn't I forgiven me?  Not only that, but I held onto shame over things that others did against me, that I had no control over.  And why?  Isn't that ridiculous?
Yes, it is.  Shame is a lie.  A stupid lie that we buy into again and again.  And lies come from the devil, who should not be trusted.

"...he is a liar and the father of lies." — John 8:44b NLT

When we buy into the lie of shame, it weakens us.  We become afraid, and timid.  We become so wrapped up in our shame of being sinners that we become afraid to approach our father.  We allow ourselves to continue feeling condemned for things that Jesus already paid the price for!

"So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." — Romans 8:1 NLT

When we buy into the lie of shame, we allow ourselves to become controlled by our fear.  Not just controlled by our fear, but slaves to our fear.  God doesn't want us to live in bondage.  He adopted us, made us his children.

"So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”" — Romans 8:15 NLT

God wants us to be his children, not his slaves.  And we make ourselves slaves when we have an affair with shame.  When we refuse the Devil's lie of shame, and rely on the grace of our Heavenly Father, we are able to come before God boldly with our needs.

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." — Hebrews 4:16 NLT

But...shame is so easy to hold onto...it's strong.  It's a thick smog.  How do you get rid of it?

"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” — John 8:32 NLT

Shame is a lie.  The only way to battle a lie is with the truth.  We must rely on the truths already shared here.  Romans 8:15, Romans 8:1 (honestly the whole chapter of Romans 8 is fantastic), Hebrews 4:16, Ephesians 2:8,  II Corinthians 5:17,  II Timothy 1:7, Romans 8:38-39, so, so, so many verses.
Look up verses on love, forgiveness and mercy.  Those are things that are true and are the things we should focus our mind on, not the lies of the devil trying to cancel our boldness, freedom and salvation.

"Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." — Psalm 34:5 NLT

The Missing Kitty

Those of you who know me in person know that I'm a crazy cat lady in training.  I only have two cats, but I'm trying to get a head start on the crazy.  I love my cats more than I love most humans (this is mostly a joke), and if I ever become so poor that it's me or my cats getting food, I'm gonna get them something first.
I love my cats.  I could tell you loads about them.  About how Tabitha was a girl, but apparently he was just a late bloomer, and by the time I found out that he was a boy it was too late to change his name.  About how I accidentally trained Poro to sit on command.  I could whisper to you that I love Poro better (I love him different) than Tabitha and that he is my most special baby (kinda true).
But this isn't about that.
Poro is missing.  He got out Monday night, and I noticed his actual absence on Tuesday.  He's a shy, independent loner cat, so I figured he was just hanging out on his own Monday night.  But Tuesday when I got back from dental surgery (that's another story), I couldn't find him.
I looked through the entire house.  I looked in his favorite spots, on my bed, places he rarely goes, in every window, under the beds.  He was gone.  He's still missing.  Eventually, I realized that he probably got out Monday and I didn't notice because it was dark, and he's a mostly black cat.
I've had him for about 5-6 years.  He's my baby.  I love that cat so much.  He took my last bit of money last month because I discovered that he had worms.  He completely clawed me up as I tried to get two pills down his throat.  He continued to claw me up as he got a bath because he peed in the carrier on the way to the vet and it got all over him.
And that didn't change my love for him.
He's been gone almost a week and I miss him even more now than I did Tuesday when I realized he was gone.  If I knew where to look, I'd be looking.  I'm pretty sure he went out in the country area though...but that's not my property, and I'm not allowed back there.
I've prayed so many times for him to come home safe and sound.  I've begged God to please bring my baby home, because I miss him, and even Tabitha is getting extra clingy and misses him.  He's a quiet, independent loner boy, but his absence fills the house.
And then I had a thought.
Poro is my 1 in the 99.  The one that I want to come back to me.
Jesus told a story of a shepherd who had one sheep who strayed.  The shepherd left his 99 other sheep behind to go find and rescue his lost lamb.  When he found it, he carried it home on his shoulders, rejoicing all the way home, and when he got to his friends, he told his friends to rejoice with him.

"So Jesus told them this story: “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders.  When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’ In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away!" — Luke 15:3-7 NLT

 And then I had another thought.
I'm over here praying several times a day, almost in tears, over my lost kitty.  I know that God cares about my kitty, because he cares about the sparrows, and my kitty is bigger than a sparrow.  I know he cares about my kitty because I care about my kitty and he cares about me.

"What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it." — Matthew 10:29 NLT

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." — I Peter 5:7 NLT

He knows where my Poro cat is, and he cares because I care.  But do you know what he cares about more?  The souls of my friends and family who don't know him, who haven't been redeemed and adopted by him, who don't have the same peace that I do.

"This is good and pleases God our Savior, who wants everyone to be saved and to understand the truth." — I Timothy 2:3-4 NLT

And do you know how often I pray for them?  It's not that I don't pray for them.  I do.  Usually once a day at a prayer time that my family has come together and decided is our family prayer time, despite us all living far away from each other.
But I only pray for them maybe once a day.  Sometimes more if I'm thinking about them.  Guys, Poro means the world to me.  I adore him and I love him and I miss him and I just want to hug him again.  But the humans in my life matter more.
It's not fun to realize that you're wrong.  It's even less fun to admit that you're wrong.  But I was wrong.  It's not wrong for me to pray for Poro to come home...but I should be praying as fervently for my friends and family to "come home."
I'm not going to say that I'm now magically amazing at praying for the humans in my life to be saved.  I'm not.  But now I'm aware that I have a problem, and I plan to make an effort to fix it.  My prayers have power...I should make use of it.

"The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." — James 5:16b

I Love Him, Because He Loves Me

I recently saw a couple of my Facebook friends share this post:



And I'm gonna tell you...part of me was like, "Yes, I want to post this."  But after that initial thought, the friends who flashed across my mind were people who would snort or roll their eyes at a post like this.  Shrug, say that they're good people (and honestly, for the most part I'd agree), that if Jesus loves them, he's not going to send them to hell, because they are good people.
Basically...if this were my last post, and that's what I said...I'd still have done no good.
My hope is that my last post on Facebook, on this blog, on any of my social media, does not tell someone that I want them to follow Jesus, but to show them why I do follow him.
People don't respond well to being told what to do.  At least I don't, and I'm pretty sure I'm a people.  People respond better when they are shown by example.  At least that's true of me, and again, I am pretty sure I'm a people.  However, I could be a cleverly disguised beaver in a trench coat.  Who knows at this point?
So, instead of telling you that I hope you'll follow Jesus and that he loves you...I'm going to tell you why I follow Jesus/God, and how I know that he loves me.

1. I follow Jesus and love him, because he loves me.

"We love because he first loved us." — I John 4:19 ESV

I know that God loves me.  Because no matter what I've done, he's never let go of me.  I'm not perfect, I'm not an angel, and unlike what one of my friends has called me since they've met me...I am not innocent.
I know that God loves me, because in my darkest hours, when I've cried out for a friend, he has provided.  He provided Alex when I was on the verge of giving up my faith, he provided Xander when I was drowning in shame for things I'd long since been forgiven of, and even tonight, he provided Marina when I felt afraid, and as though all my friends and family were going to abandon me.  All three of the people I listed by name were answers to prayers.
When I met Alex, I was the lowest in my faith that I had ever been.  I was barely reading my Bible, I had given up tithing.  My prayers were cries to God, telling him that I wanted to be a good Christian, but I felt helpless, was worn out, and giving up.  Meeting Alex is the best thing that has ever happened for my faith, because I began attending my church, and found the first church family I have ever had in my entire life at 18 years old.
When Xander came, I was at an extremely low point.  I had been making extremely poor decisions, both personally and especially for my faith.  I had confessed this to God, to my pastor and his wife, and these were not decisions I was making any longer, but I was still so ashamed of where I'd been, and had other external factors pressing on me, and hurting me, that I didn't see how I could move forward.  Xander came to visit, and gave me the name for this blog—without knowing or realizing it—when he reminded me that God is a God of love, not a God of shame.  He was an encouragement I desperately needed.
And tonight...Marina, she was an answer to pray for God to give me a friend so that I would know I wasn't alone and abandoned.  My depression and anxiety have had me crying almost every day for the past 7 days.  Maybe longer.  They've had me struggling and panicking for the past 2-3 weeks.  February/March tend to be rough months for my mental health.  I've been feeling alone.
Marina is a good friend from church.  We don't spend much time together outside of church, because between work and illness, and just general exhaustion, if one of us is good to go, the other just wants to lay on the couch and stop existing for 3 hours (nap, I mean nap, we want to nap).  She saw me crying at church yesterday (I started writing this on a Monday and it's been saved in my drafts ever since), because yes, I go to church even if I'm a royal mess, because I need to be with my family and no one ever makes me feel ashamed for crying at church.  She messaged me this morning telling me that she was thinking about me, praying for me, and offered up Minecraft as an activity we could do together, just so I could get my mind off of stuff.
So...I went.  Played Minecraft.  And...between Minecraft, pizza, lighthearted conversations, and deep conversations...that was what I needed.  A friend.
There are many reasons why I love Jesus, and I hope to make this into a series showcasing some of the reasons why I love and follow Jesus.
But honestly, the biggest reason that I love and follow Jesus is because when I finally learned that he was a God of love, not a God who I had to twist myself into a knot just to please so that he wouldn't get mad at me and leave...I finally knew what love was.  Or, I thought I did.  I am still learning what love is.  Because I'm still learning more and more about God, and God is love.

"God is love." — I John 4:8 ESV

I love and follow Jesus...because I know he loves me.